What Would Have Been

I often wonder, if I had known more about military life before entering into it would it have changed my decision to marry a soldier?  If I had understood more about the sacrifices that soldiers and their families make, would I have continued dating a military man?  Would I have been okay with knowing my life would be controlled by the military or the idea of taking on single parenthood for months at a time, several times over?  If I had known that life would be far from the example I had growing up, in which my dad worked regular hours and was home every night for dinner, my mom had the help of her parents and other family members with watching her kids, and we had the privilege of seeing close friends and loved ones often, would I still have chosen a life so unfamiliar? 

The truth is, these questions are impossible to answer.  I’d like to think that knowing the answers would not have made any difference because the love which was pouring out of my heart for this man was the only thing that mattered.  However, there is no way to know, no ability to go back in time and see what decision I might have made.

The funny thing is, even though my mind sometimes floats off into a daydream and I think about these things, I am so thankful I did not know how military life would be.  I cannot bear to think that if someone had told me the answers to these questions before I chose this life, before I knew how strong I could become or how important I would be to my husband and kids, I would have turned around and walked away.  I have come to believe that one of life’s blessings is not knowing the future which lies ahead of us.  If we had the ability to foresee our futures and make our own decisions based on them, how often would we choose a path which leads to discontent?  How often would we change our course for our own benefit, only to find that it is much worse than what would have been if nature took its course? 

I do not regret the life-choices I have made, nor do I think that things would have been better if I had done something different.  All of my trust rests in the fact that this is where I’m supposed to be.  This is God’s plan.  Every time I struggle with my circumstances, I try to remember how much good will come out of me being a stay-home mom and a military wife.  When I think about my desire to work, I remember that, when the time is right, God will guide me in the right direction.  I can see now how all the difficulties and frustrations I face are put in place so that I will learn to grow and persevere and to draw me closer to God.  I think about how it is not just my life in the equation, but my husband’s and kids’ too.  Everything I do affects them, and they in turn affect me.  We have formed an inseparable bond, a unit which will carry each other through thick and thin.  I may not have known what lied ahead before I embarked on this life, but by listening to the Spirit inside of me I have found the life that was chosen for me.  I can rest my mind knowing that even if I had been aware of the trials of this life before I embarked on it, my choice would have been the same.