Cultivating Happiness

“If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.” –James Russell Miller

This quote charmed me as soon as I read it. I am always searching for words of wisdom which can help me maintain a positive perspective on the trials I face as a military wife. These words suggest that there isn’t any burden I could possibly endure that should prevent me from being happy. They propose that by viewing the difficulties in my life as mere experiences which build upon my character and strengthen my soul, I can learn to accept any circumstance I am dealt without forfeiting my happiness.

Though I wholeheartedly believe this to be true, putting it into practice is easier said than done. There have been many times when my circumstances led me down the path of negativity and any attempt to take a positive perspective was overpowered. Deployments, demanding schedules, distance from family, and moving are a few of the situations which have troubled me over the years. Many times I knew exactly what it was I should be doing to get off the pessimistic path, but the will to do so was simply not there.

When I hesitate to see what is positive, I not only hurt myself but the rest of my family as well. The kids, with their remarkable intuition, can sense the anxiety emitting from me which, in turn, affects them negatively. My husband, as if he doesn’t have enough on his mind, must take extra care not to upset me even more, and we all know there is no defined line between what does and does not make a troubled woman upset. Furthermore, if I am stressed out it doesn’t make it easy for him to feel content. So basically, an anxious mommy equals no fun for anyone.

There is no denying that there is a time and a place for pining, but imagine if we put as much effort into positive thinking as we did into brooding.  We must remember that our troubles are part of our life experiences. They allow us to grow and change and become better versions of ourselves. They allow us to more fully appreciate the good times. They give us a reason to rely on others and create great friendships. It may sound contradictory, but our troubles are the things which make our lives all the more fulfilling.

It takes a lot of perseverance to overcome our negative tendencies, but with diligence we have the opportunity to create a new force within ourselves, a force which will conquer negativity and cultivate a spirit filled with happiness.

A Few Steps Back

Sometimes, we just need to let go.  As we slowly move through life in the military, we learn to adapt and become stronger, building brick walls around our hearts as we go.  We begrudgingly move through deployments trying our best to ignore the feelings of emptiness that threaten our success.  We tell ourselves we are ready to move and that a change will be good.  We guard our tongues when all we really want to do is scream at the military for making it so hard because we know that no matter how hard we try, we cannot change our circumstances.  We deny our minds access to think about the things we are missing because of our duty to the military.  Every so often, though, a brick becomes loose and the wall crumbles a bit.  With hardened hearts, we quickly try to patch it back together before it falls completely.  We push the thoughts to the back of our minds hoping that with time they will just go away.  We are unwilling to lose strength.

Randall and I had just gotten the kids to bed and sat ourselves on the couch ready to watch our evening television shows.  I was ready to decompress for the day and forget about the thoughts going through my head.  Randall, with his impeccable instinct, noticed that I had been quieter than my usual self lately and asked if everything was okay.  He makes a habit of checking up on me regularly, but I generally tell him nothing is bothering me and that I’m just tired.  But this time, something urged me to talk to him.  Something in my head told me that he needed to know what was on my mind.  I broke down. 

The truth is, my heart has been yearning for those things I miss.  Growing up, it wasn’t just me, my brother, and my parents.  It was my entire family—grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, close family friends—and I never missed out on anything.  Now, family is hundreds of miles away and we see them only but a few times a year.  When I talk to my mom on the phone, I find joy in hearing about the family get-togethers and the new things that my one-year-old nephew is doing, but deep down it breaks my heart because I can’t be there myself.  I think about Randall’s brother and sister-in-law, who we haven’t seen since January of 2010 nor have we met their baby girl who just turned a year old.  I am saddened by how little my kids get to see their grandparents because of how much I treasured seeing my own grandparents while growing up, and how they don’t get to play with their cousins.  I miss always having places to go and people to see, people who, no matter what, were always happy to see me.

And then there are my dreams.  For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about a house, a big and beautiful house in which my family and I would settle down.  I fantasized about lots of windows to let light in, a wonderful gourmet kitchen which opened to the living room, and a large deck outside where I would sit and drink my coffee while listening to the birds in the morning.  I dreamt about the memories that would be created in this home.  I visualized my kids running around a large yard in their bare feet, or sledding down a hill in the winter.  I see myself looking out the windows admiring the plush, green leaves in the summer, the beautiful colors on the trees in the fall, the softly-falling snow in the winter, and the first blossoms in the spring.  I miss the seasons of the north where I am most at home.  Now, despite my acceptance of my current circumstances, I can’t help but crave this dream and wonder if it will ever happen.   We have made some wonderful memories in the places we have lived, but all of these places are temporary residences we inhabit based on where the military sends us.  We acclimate to our surroundings but, for me, there is always a void, always something missing.

It felt good to vent my feelings, although Randall struggled with it because he couldn’t fix what was making me sad.  But there is no way to fix it, and that’s okay.  Being strong all the time is extremely difficult and no one is perfect.  It is inevitable that our bricks will crumble a bit here and there and we will regress.  Honestly, I am grateful that I miss these things so much because it means that I had a happy childhood.  It means that I paid enough attention while I was little to appreciate what I had.  It means that I learned to dream big so that I would have something to strive for when I got older.  The military lifestyle is nowhere close to the way I grew up.  But because I cannot change my circumstances, I can choose to accept them and create a new lifestyle, one that my kids will look back on one day and miss just as I do.  Every so often we fall a few steps behind in our journey towards strength, but eventually we catch up, all the while gaining a little bit more perseverance.  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” –Serenity Prayer

The Will of the Wife

Military wives, I have concluded, are like flowers.  That is why I have titled my blog “A Chance to Bloom.”  Throughout my seven-and-a-half years as a military wife, I have quietly observed fellow wives, whether friends, acquaintances, or women I don’t even know, and have discovered that as different as they all are, there is a common characteristic present in each of them: the will to keep going.  Despite many difficult circumstances and emotional setbacks, they all continue to bloom, to keep pushing forward past the rough times and becoming stronger women. 

Helen Keller described that “A  happy life comes not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” This quote grasps the life of a military wife perfectly. In the world of the military, it is inevitable that hardships will occur in the form of challenging schedules, frequent moves, raising children alone, or perhaps even the loss of a soldier.  These are not situations that any wife wishes for in her life, but I have yet to witness a wife throw in the towel and walk away.  Instead, they deal with their emotions; they grieve their husbands’ absence; they vent their anger or sadness to close friends; and then they pick themselves up and keep going.  They have a will that gives them the strength to continue on the journey.   Perhaps it is because they know their husbands need their support and don’t want to let them down.  Maybe they are following the example of their husbands' drive and dedication to their country.  It could be that they are just doing what they feel God has called them to do.  No matter what the reason, this will allows them to overcome their obstacles and truly master their hardships.

Every person’s life has seasons.  Military wives are often required to endure tumultuous thunderstorms and long, gloomy winters.  But, as I have seen so far, they have a way of pushing forward and walking toward the break in the clouds.  They keep their heads up and their eyes forward.  And when they reach the sunlight, when their spring finally arrives, they bloom beautifully with renewed strength and joy.  I am honored to call myself a military wife, not only because I am proud of my husband, but because I am a part of an exceptional group of women who have set an example for how to weather the storm.  I married into the military not knowing anything about being a military wife.  But the other wives I have met along the way have shown me how to discover my own will, reach my own spring, and allow myself to bloom.  For this, I celebrate Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

Good Grief

In searching through my old writings, I came across this passage which I wrote 2 1/2 years ago as I embarked on my husband's second deployment.  I wanted to include it in this blog as proof that as gut-wrenching as deployments are, they will come to an end, I promise you!  There is no getting around the feelings we experience in those first few days and those feelings are something we must face head on before we can begin to move past them.  As much as it hurts, the more pain we feel, the stronger we will become as a result.  To those of you dealing with deployments right now, this is for you:

In a world that revolves around days, weeks, months, and years, I have concluded that time is, in fact, the enemy.  How can four months pass by under my nose so quickly?  We were having such a great time together as a family, time that was much needed after such a long seven month deployment, yet it was ripped away from us before we had a chance to realize it.  I’m not sure there is anything we could have done about it anyway.  Time cannot be slowed down.  In fact, it seems to only speed up as I get older.  I think we did a pretty good job of making the most of our time, however we did not prepare ourselves for how difficult it would be to say goodbye again.  Part of me is grateful for the fun times, laughter, and togetherness we had.  I am happy we have so many great memories to smile about.  At the same time, at least right now, I wish I could erase them so that it would not hurt so bad to let go.  I do not want to get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I turn a corner in my house and it reminds me of him.  I do not want to cry when I think of the happy times, longing for them to return.  It is too early right now to look ahead and await his return.  I do not yet have the motivation to get into the old deployment routine where I grudgingly take one day at a time, thankful when I can cross off another week on the calendar.  This time I know how it is going to be, I know what I have to do, yet the idea of doing it all over again is disheartening.

 Looking back, it was but a mere year ago that I was saying goodbye for the first time.  Though sad, I was able to see the end fairly quickly.  I stayed busy with family and friends and before I knew it, the holidays were in full swing.  Once the New Year arrived, all of my energy was centered in the excitement of him coming home in three months.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  In mid February I gave birth to our son and second child.  That was the last big “to do” I had on the list before he came home.  I was more excited than ever.  Not only was he coming home, but we had a new member of the family to celebrate.  I had more to talk about when he called.  I almost didn’t care that he wasn’t home because I knew that he was coming home so soon.  I had nothing but joy in my heart as I planned, up to the day, all the details of his return and welcoming him back home.  I do not know that I have ever had so much joy in my heart.  There is nothing, at that point, that could have dampened my mood.  My husband was going to be home again and we would be together as a family.

 Now, I do not know that I have ever had so much pain in my heart.  It is as though someone ripped my heart out of my chest and then threw salt on the wound.  All that energy I had, all that joy, is gone.  I am grieving its absence so much and I do not know how to deal.  How something so great can go by so fast is incomprehensible to me.  I know that somehow I will get through this deployment too, and eventually my joy will return.  Right now, my wound is still healing and I can only pray that God will hold my hand, re-strengthen my heart, and help me see that the end is closer than it seems.  I must remember that God will not give me anything I cannot handle.   

About this Blog

As military wives, we have been given an amazing and unique opportunity to grow in ways that are beyond comprehension to some people.  We have married into a life that forces us to be flexible and take on more tasks than we ever thought we'd have to carry.  At some point or another, we are all faced with many of the same trials as our husbands deploy, relocate, and take on demanding positions that lend them little family time.  But we keep going, we keep dealing with the difficult times because we know that just as our nation needs its soldiers, our soldiers need their spouses.  In order for them to stay strong, we need to stay strong.  I imagine that all military wives gain a little more strength each and every day. 

It is easy to become frustrated with living the military live.  The amount of play it has on our emotions can seem almost cruel sometimes, but despite the difficulties, there are so many great aspects of military life which we need to embrace as much as possible.  Throughout the three deployments my husband and I have survived thus far, I have learned that being a military wife is a gift that has been handed to me by something greater than I can comprehend.  For me, that something greater is God.  He chose this life for me for reasons that I may not yet be able to see, but I do know that it is a gift that is continually forming me into the person I am meant to be.  I believe this is true for all military wives.  We were placed in this position because God knows we can handle it.  He knows we have the strength to do it, even if we don't always think so.  One of my favorite verses is James 1:2-3: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverence."  As a military wife, our faith is tested constantly.  Our faith in the military, our faith in our circumstances, our faith in what is unknown, and our faith in God.  But somehow we stay strong, we hold on when we are at the end of our ropes, and we get through the tough times.  We have been given a gift that enables us to develop the inner workings of our souls.  We have been given a gift that allows us a chance to bloom.

A Year Gone By

            On a beautiful April morning one year ago, I dropped my daughter off at preschool and set out for some morning errands.  I was feeling particularly happy on that morning because we were half way through my husband’s month-long training exercise and knew that I only had two more weeks before he returned from California.  I hated EMV training.  For some reason, it seemed worse than deployments.  Even though I knew well in advanced the month in which Randall would be away, it still seemed to sneak up on me as though I only had one week’s notice.  I remember the night before he left for this one, we were lying on the couch watching TV and I began to cry.  Randall asked me what was wrong and I told him that I had just realized that I was going to have to be alone with the kids for the next month.  It would be me against two unruly toddlers, and I was not prepared.  I thought back to the last EMV training the previous summer and how frustrated I had become just one week into a four-week long stretch.  By the last few days of it I had concluded that I would not attempt to take the kids anywhere else because I was just too tired of having them act up everywhere we went.  We were not going to leave the house until it was time to go pick up daddy.  As I sat there that night remembering the struggles of taking care of the kids on my own, the tears flooded my eyes and all I could think about was how badly I didn’t want to do it.

               Much to my dismay, Randall headed out to California the next morning.  It was just my luck that the day he left was the first day of Spring break for my daughter’s pre-school, which meant I had both kids all morning long for a week.  I tried my best to stay positive.  I kept telling myself how lucky I was because at least it wasn’t a deployment.  It had been fifteen months since Randall got home from his last deployment and there wasn’t another one slated for him in the near future.  The next possibility was nine months later in January, which gave me plenty of time to prepare.  Lucky I was, because I was certain that not many other pilots’ wives could say the same about the length of time their husbands had been home.  Somehow I made it through that first week of Spring break, and almost another full week beyond that.  That is why I was feeling so good on this particular morning as I ran my errands with my two-year old son in tow.  My last stop was to World Market.  Randall and I enjoy drinking a glass of wine together after the kids go to bed and, in preparation for his return, it was time to stock up the wine fridge.  It made me so happy to pick out different wines thinking about how soon we would be able to enjoy them together.  I couldn’t wait for him to get home and see what I picked out.  I kept daydreaming about sitting down, glass of wine in hand, and discussing all of our plans for the upcoming summer.  We surely had to plan a family trip somewhere, and perhaps we would be fortunate enough to take a weekend away just the two of us.  Oh, how elated I was that morning as I knew my daydreams would soon become reality.  After my errands I picked up my daughter from school and eventually got the kids settled down for their afternoon nap.  With the newly-purchased wines resting neatly in the wine fridge, I got comfortable on my bed and began reading.  I had only read but the first few lines of the book when my phone rang.

                The words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I almost couldn’t breathe.  Deployment.  Mid-May.  Six to seven months.  I was crushed.  I could see all of my plans, my dreams for our summer together, going up in smoke.  Not only was he going to be deploying in a month, but he was still in California for training and wouldn’t even be home for at least another week and a half.  This meant the kids and I had three weeks to see daddy before he had to leave.  The first few minutes of hearing the news I was simply hysterical.  I cried so hard that I couldn’t even talk to Randall on the phone and told him I would have to call him back.  Over the next few minutes my hysteria turned into anger.  When I finally caught my breath long enough to call him back, I was mad.   “Why is this happening?  Why didn’t they give you more notice?  How could they only give us three weeks to prepare for something so huge?”  It just wasn’t fair.  The spirit that had filled my soul earlier that morning was gone and I now had to figure out how I was going to get through the summer with just me and the kids.  The pride that I usually had for the Marine Corps turned into resentment.  I told Randall that if this is how it was going to be, then he needed to get out of the Marine Corps sooner rather than later.

                We all say things we don’t necessarily mean when we are angry.  That afternoon after the kids woke up I took them to the park so they could burn off some energy and I could just sit and think.  I was able to calm myself down enough to begin thinking clearly of a new plan for the summer.  I had two sets of family I could go visit and wonderful friends and neighbors to spend time with when I was at home.  Hopefully people would come visit me too, and I could always hire a babysitter weekly so I could get out of the house on my own for a few hours.  I knew the best thing to do was to surround myself with as many people as possible as often as possible.  If I could just get through the summer, the fall would be smooth sailing as both kids would be in preschool and I would get a much needed break in the mornings.  Basically, it all boiled down to the fact that there was nothing I could do to change our circumstances, and I knew that I would get through it somehow.

                As I write this now, one year after that fateful phone call, I am humbled by and amazed at how short a year really is.  Not only is Randall home again, but he has been home for three months and from the moment he stepped back into the house it was as though he never left.  I admit that I did not have a positive attitude for the majority of this deployment.  I was very bitter most of the time and felt like it was never going to end.  But, just as a mother forgets the pains of labor as soon as her baby is born, I forgot about the pain and bitterness that had taken over my heart as soon as our family was again complete.  Looking back on those eight months, I realize that despite my bitterness I was somehow able to accomplish exactly what I needed to do to get through it.  I learned that someone else’s grass is always greener, but somewhere else another person’s grass is much worse and I decided to be thankful for my blessings.  For as many things about the deployment that I didn’t like, there were twice as many things that made it okay, the most wonderful one being that my husband came home.  No deployment is easy, and the feelings and emotions that a spouse experiences throughout those long months are by all means justifiable.  But a year is short.  It may not always feel like it, but time will pass and the deployment will end.  When it does, we will look at our spouses sitting next to us, glass of wine in hand, and smile with pride at the great obstacle we were able to accomplish together. 

Picture by Julie Stone Photography