A Toast to Thanksgiving

 

Every year, it seems that the Christmas season starts earlier. As if it’s not enough that all the stores and television commercials center around Christmas as soon as Halloween is over, now radio stations are playing Christmas carols as early as the first week of November! I’m all for everything that embodies the Christmas season, but when it starts so early it seems as though Thanksgiving simply gets skipped over.

I have always loved Thanksgiving. Even as a kid I would get a heartwarming feeling of happiness and gratitude when we celebrated the holiday together with family over a huge feast. Sure, I was excited for the Christmas season too, but I always wanted to appreciate Thanksgiving for what it was before I really got into the Christmas mindset.

Sadly, today that is harder to do. There is much more responsibility for me during the holidays now as an adult and parent than there was when I was a kid. The commercialism of Christmas which starts in early November stresses me out. I have to figure out the kids’ Christmas lists not just for my husband and myself, but for extended family as well. Then I have to think about how I can save the most amount of money on Christmas shopping: Should I shop in store or online? Should I wait for Black Friday or purchase things earlier before everything is picked over? Should I wait for Cyber Monday? Or maybe mid-December will have the best deals. All of this anxiety causes me to forget about what’s in the present, the season of being thankful.

This year, I decided that I will not partake in the Black Friday shopping frenzy, nor will I check the online deals on the evening of Thanksgiving. I decided that I want to use that time instead to really be with my family. I want to play games and watch movies with my kids. I want to share Thanksgiving dinner with friends without a time-limit for when I need to start online shopping. I want to enjoy decorating for Christmas with the family on Friday while drinking hot cocoa and listening, finally, to Christmas Carols. I want to remember Thanksgiving as the perfect foundation for the Christmas season: gratitude and appreciation for all we have.

 

So here’s to Thanksgiving, a reminder of all my blessings:  family and friends, good health, food, water, and shelter, military life (which is very easy to NOT feel thankful for!), my kids’ school and teachers, the strangers who lend a helping hand, the doors which have opened for me and the doors which have closed behind me, the lessons I’ve learned, the people I’ve met, our beautiful country and the heroes who defend it, God’s unfailing promise, and the love that surrounds all of these.

This Thursday, take a moment to raise your glass, give a toast to Thanksgiving, and think about all you are thankful for. See for yourself how your heart fills with joy. Then, you are truly ready for the Christmas season. Happy Thanksgiving!

Lonely Sundays

Sundays were always a special day in my family. My mom, dad, brother, and I usually went to church first thing in the morning, and then came home to enjoy a homemade breakfast together. My dad always made breakfast on the weekends...on any given day we could choose from an egg scramble, waffles, pancakes, or French toast. They were all wonderfully good.

After breakfast, my mom usually read the newspaper and began the household to-do list, while my dad and brother ventured to the garage to work on their latest project, or just to tinker around. During the summer months, my dad spent hours working in the yard. I liked to help out by mowing the grass on the riding mower. In my twelve-year-old mind I imagined I was driving a real car on a real street and sang along to whatever song was stuck in my head that day. When I wasn’t mowing, I would spend time in the house with my mom with no real purpose…sometimes I’d help with chores and other times I’d simply find something to pass the time. There would be music on in the background and, whether they were the latest radio hits or Jim Brickman CDs, they were songs that slowly shaped my memories of those relaxing Sunday afternoons. And nearly every Sunday, I’d count the hours until it was time to go to grandma’s house for dinner.

Since becoming a military wife, Sundays have changed dramatically. When I first got married, it was difficult to accept that we would just be staying home on Sunday evenings. There was no one to visit for dinner and no one to entertain at our place. Slowly but surely, I got used to the new, much quieter Sundays and have come to enjoy the simple family time my husband and I have with our own kids.

But as military life goes, my husband is not always home on Sundays. In fact, in his current position he often leaves for trips on Sunday mornings. Over the course of three deployments, multiple training courses, and a billet that takes him on shorter but more frequent trips, Sundays often end up just me and the kids. I’ve tried to take them to church myself, but that doesn’t work out too well and I end up feeling frustrated rather than closer to God.  Many times I make a nice breakfast, but I usually can’t get anyone to sit down for longer than it takes to eat one bite and the idea of a family breakfast goes out the window. I try to think of fun things to do to enjoy the weekend, but those things usually only pass an hour or so. Sometimes I try to see if friends could come over for a visit, but they are usually busy with their own families. I get a creative itch to try a new recipe for dinner, but when I remember I am cooking for two kids as opposed to adults, I realize that the effort would probably cause more frustration than joy. And after a day’s worth of kid speak and mediating sibling rivalry, I wish I had someone with whom I could enjoy a glass of wine and some adult conversation.

It is on those days that I long for the old Sundays when I had somewhere to go and people to see. It is those days when I feel a loneliness inside that makes me wish we lived closer to family. It is those days when I realize that out of all the things I’ve adjusted to in military life, the lonely Sundays are one thing I will never get used to. 

When the Holidays Leave You Longing for More

 It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written, but the break was much needed so that I could focus on celebrating Christmas and New Year’s and to simply be with my family. The kids, husband, and I travelled to Rhode Island and New Hampshire to spend Christmas with my in-laws. What a wonderful week it was. We went sledding and skiing and saw Disney on Ice. We relaxed next to a warm fire, thankful to be on vacation. On Christmas morning, we swam in a pool of wrapping paper and boxes and packaging as the kids insisted on taking every new toy out of the box so they could play with it right away. I took too many pictures with my new camera in hopes that I could capture all the memories. It was a week filled with fun and laughter and the comfort of having a full house at Christmas.

 Now that it is over, I am longing for more.

A few days after we got home my daughter told me she missed grandma. I thought about how confusing it must be for her to spend a whole week with her grandparents and have so much fun just to have it all suddenly come to an end. I thought about how often I got to see my grandparents growing up and never had to worry about when I would see them again. I thought about how my kids have not just one, but two sets of grandparents who they miss desperately. I thought about all the other military families who don’t have the luxury of living near their families, but must travel hundreds or thousands of miles just to see them at the holidays.

As I looked at my little girl’s sad face, I wished that I could just get in the car and drive her to her grandma’s to play for a few hours. I wished that our trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s house could end with a hug and a “see you next week!” I wished that we didn’t have to choose one family to spend the holidays with, but could have the ability to visit with both sets of families. On New Year’s Day, I wished that we could join my parents at their house for dinner and head back home at the day’s end. I wished that the military wouldn’t take us away from the most special people in our lives.

The fun and fulfilling time we spent with family this Christmas should have left me feeling content. But instead I am left with a longing, perhaps because of how great it was. It has left me wanting more of that kind of time together. More family dinners, more stories, more laughs, more pictures, and more full houses.

Over the years, I have learned to adjust to nearly every change and challenge that goes along with military life, and being separated from family is one of them. But the holiday season is a time when, no matter how well I have adapted, I go back to missing the years when the week between Christmas and New Year’s meant seeing everyone we love—grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins—on both sides of the family. It is a time when simply wishing each other a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year over the phone is just not enough.

I dream of a time when we have the ability to visit with all of our family during the holiday season. But I am also thankful for all the family we have, even if we can’t see them as often as we’d like. And I will rejoice in the memories we made this Christmas, the one which has left me longing for more.   

The Gift of Gratitude

So many days of my life, I get out of bed and immediately begin scurrying to complete my morning to-do list.  Number one, make coffee!  Then it’s get breakfast made for the kids and myself, make sure the kids actually eat their breakfast, sip my coffee, pack lunches, yell at the kids for getting their breakfast all over the table, clean up the mess, tell them it’s time to get ready for school, take another sip of coffee, get myself dressed, attempt to make my hair and face look like I didn’t just roll out of bed, keep sipping my coffee, herd the kids to their bedrooms to get them dressed, attempt to understand why it’s such an issue for them to wear what I pick out, allow them the chance to dress themselves to avoid the tantrum, lash out in frustration when they decide to play with toys instead of get dressed, try to find where I placed my coffee, eventually get everyone in the car without them getting some crazy boo boo that causes crying and the instant need for a bandaid, and chug down the remainder of my coffee.  I try to take deep breaths on the way to school when the kids strapped down in their seats and I can finally breathe for the first time in the day.  I am fully aware that my morning schedule needs a total overhaul, I just haven’t gotten there yet!

Then there are the times when I wake up in the morning and feel peaceful and thoughtful.  Something in my brain is signaling me to appreciate this day before it even starts.  I think about how blessed I am to have my children, my husband, my home, and my spirit.  I ponder how wonderful my life has been and how I really have no room to complain about any of it.  I wonder why it is so easy to get caught up in the fast pace of life and forget about all that has been given to us and why it is so hard to remember to be grateful.  I am a firm believer that gratitude is one of the most important traits a person can have.  By being thankful for our experiences, the things we have, and the people we meet, we can recognize all that is good in our lives.  Sometimes even bad experiences deserve gratitude because we become stronger as a result.  For military wives, it can be difficult to find gratitude for anything sometimes.  When times are hard, it is easy to have the mentality that those bad things are “happening” to us, or that we have been dealt an unlucky hand.  Sometimes we might think, “Man, life would be so much better if we weren’t in the military.”  On the contrary, military life lends us a multitude of things for which to be grateful.  We are not unlucky in the least but, as I see it, are some of the luckiest women in the world.  Because we are subjected to such extreme fluctuations in emotion, we have the ability to see life in a new perspective.  Without those hard times, the good times wouldn't be so great.  We have the choice to view the difficulties in our lives as something to be thankful for.  And when we choose gratitude, we will find something that many people struggle their entire lives to achieve: happiness. 

Keeping a grateful attitude not only increases personal happiness, it will benefit the people around us as well.  Imagine how good our husbands feel when they know we appreciate them and all that they do.  Think about all that your parents did for you while growing up and how wonderful it would be for them to know you are thankful for their efforts (I did this, I know!).  When you experience that ultimate customer service experience that just knocks your socks off, how do you think the manager would feel to know someone appreciates how hard his staff works to please people?  We feel good by making others feel good.  I encourage you  to practice being grateful by keeping a journal of all that you are thankful for.  Send a letter to a loved one or friend letting them know how much you appreciate them.  Leave your husband a note telling him that you are thankful all of his help, or how selflessly he serves his country. When you wake up in the morning, let the first thing you do be to thank God for this day.  Here are just a few of the things I am grateful for:

1.       My wonderful husband, his ability to put up with me, his selflessness in our relationship, and his trustworthiness.

2.      Two beautiful, healthy children.

3.       Good health, for myself and my family.

4.       The opportunity to experience different places in the U.S. by moving every few years.

5.        The humbling experience of knowing that life is not as easy as I had it growing up.

6.       The great friends I have met along the way.

7.       The ability to stay home with my kids in their early years of life.

8.       A life that challenges me to be the best person I can be.

9.       The things only God could give me: a teachable heart, joy for the simple things, strength to persevere, hope for my future, and His hand to guide me through it all.

10.   The sound of the garage door opening from inside the house because if I'm not opening it, there's only one other person doing it and it means he's home!  

Good Grief

In searching through my old writings, I came across this passage which I wrote 2 1/2 years ago as I embarked on my husband's second deployment.  I wanted to include it in this blog as proof that as gut-wrenching as deployments are, they will come to an end, I promise you!  There is no getting around the feelings we experience in those first few days and those feelings are something we must face head on before we can begin to move past them.  As much as it hurts, the more pain we feel, the stronger we will become as a result.  To those of you dealing with deployments right now, this is for you:

In a world that revolves around days, weeks, months, and years, I have concluded that time is, in fact, the enemy.  How can four months pass by under my nose so quickly?  We were having such a great time together as a family, time that was much needed after such a long seven month deployment, yet it was ripped away from us before we had a chance to realize it.  I’m not sure there is anything we could have done about it anyway.  Time cannot be slowed down.  In fact, it seems to only speed up as I get older.  I think we did a pretty good job of making the most of our time, however we did not prepare ourselves for how difficult it would be to say goodbye again.  Part of me is grateful for the fun times, laughter, and togetherness we had.  I am happy we have so many great memories to smile about.  At the same time, at least right now, I wish I could erase them so that it would not hurt so bad to let go.  I do not want to get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I turn a corner in my house and it reminds me of him.  I do not want to cry when I think of the happy times, longing for them to return.  It is too early right now to look ahead and await his return.  I do not yet have the motivation to get into the old deployment routine where I grudgingly take one day at a time, thankful when I can cross off another week on the calendar.  This time I know how it is going to be, I know what I have to do, yet the idea of doing it all over again is disheartening.

 Looking back, it was but a mere year ago that I was saying goodbye for the first time.  Though sad, I was able to see the end fairly quickly.  I stayed busy with family and friends and before I knew it, the holidays were in full swing.  Once the New Year arrived, all of my energy was centered in the excitement of him coming home in three months.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  In mid February I gave birth to our son and second child.  That was the last big “to do” I had on the list before he came home.  I was more excited than ever.  Not only was he coming home, but we had a new member of the family to celebrate.  I had more to talk about when he called.  I almost didn’t care that he wasn’t home because I knew that he was coming home so soon.  I had nothing but joy in my heart as I planned, up to the day, all the details of his return and welcoming him back home.  I do not know that I have ever had so much joy in my heart.  There is nothing, at that point, that could have dampened my mood.  My husband was going to be home again and we would be together as a family.

 Now, I do not know that I have ever had so much pain in my heart.  It is as though someone ripped my heart out of my chest and then threw salt on the wound.  All that energy I had, all that joy, is gone.  I am grieving its absence so much and I do not know how to deal.  How something so great can go by so fast is incomprehensible to me.  I know that somehow I will get through this deployment too, and eventually my joy will return.  Right now, my wound is still healing and I can only pray that God will hold my hand, re-strengthen my heart, and help me see that the end is closer than it seems.  I must remember that God will not give me anything I cannot handle.   

A Case of Identity Crisis

Has anyone ever felt like the person you once were, the person you knew yourself to be, has gotten off the train somewhere in the past and has been replaced by a stranger?  Or maybe your self wasn't replaced at all but left an empty space which yearns for the passion and sense of direction that once filled it.  I am not sure when exactly my person got off the train, but I do know that it was somewhere in the midst of motherhood and being a military wife.  Motherhood itself, I'm sure, would have been enough to send the self's bags packing.  But military life has made it exceptionally difficult to hold tight to that person, that self, who grew up with me, who created the inner workings of my soul, and who, I know, is waiting somewhere to get back on the train.

First, let me tell you a little bit about how I grew up.  Nearly my entire family lived in northeast Ohio, in the eastern suburbs of Cleveland.  We saw my mom's family just about every week, as we all gathered at my grandma and papa's house for dinneron Sundays.  No matter how many times I went to their house, I never got sick of it.  There was so much love pouring out of the doors that anyone would be sorry to pass up an opportunity to enter.  We also saw my dad's family every few months, so it is plain to see that spending time with family was something I grew to cherish.  Not only that, my beliefs and values developed as a result of such a strong family bond and also the wisdom that my grandparents shared from their own lives.  Every form of guidance they gave me, always in a loving, gentle manner, clinged to me like glue.  I listened to their stories, watched their actions, and became determined that I would follow in their footsteps.  I had aspirations for myself to have a successful career at some point, but I also knew that part of my purpose, my passion, was to be just like grandma.  She was a stay-home-mom who cooked, cleaned, canned the vegetables from the garden, raised the kids, and entertained her family and friends in her home, all with the grace of an angel.  I knew this was considered old-fashioned in a world where women were gaining more power in the workplace, but I didn't care. I wanted to be that wife who gladly provided home cooked meals for her family, kept a clean house, and raised her kids with joy. I wanted to share my home with family and friends as often as possible.  In fact, when Randall and I were engaged, I made all sorts of plans in my head about the parties we would host at our house. 

Fast forward to now.  I am a stay-home-mom. I cook healthfully, clean, and take care of the kids most of the day.  This is the dream I had always envisioned but I never expected it to be so difficult.  I have always loved kids but despite my years of babysitting, I never knew that kids are just plain bad around their parents!  The lack of listening, the fighting amongst each other, and the whining and crying makes my blood boil!  I still like to clean, but find it increasingly difficult to complete all the chores that need to be done and get stressed when the house starts to get messy.  The few times that we have entertained a party over the years have made me realize that it can be more stressful than relaxing so we rarely do it.  Not that I don't want to spend time with friends, but I have developed into a perfectionist and find it hard to have a get-together on a whim, while planning ahead is difficult with kids.  In addition, military life has moved us away from any family so I miss out on the shared time and occasions I so loved growing up. I still love to socialize, but with the stresses of motherhood and military life bogging me down, my personality has reverted to an almost shy-like state around new people.  Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Why is this so hard?  I always wanted to be a stay-home-mom, so why am I so challenged by this lifestyle?  Where is the drive I used to have for creating a home in which people knew they were welcome?"  I have always prided myself on being a positive person in a world of pessimists, but the past few years have created a real challenge for keeping a positive frame of mind.  And that grace that my grandmother had?  That is nowhere in sight in this girl!

Don't get me wrong, I do not regret staying home with my children for one second.  Nor do I regret becoming a military wife.  Both have strengthened me in more ways than I ever fathomed and it brings me so much joy to watch my kids grow.  But I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder what else is out there for me.  What if this is all I ever do?  Whatever if noone else ever gets to know the real me?  I still have dreams for a career, and I have the education to get me there, but now days it is not necessarily education but experience that lands you the jobs.  I want to put myself out there and be somebody other than just mommy, or Randall's wife.  It doesn't help that we must move every few years and that most big Marine bases are not prime areas for careers in my field.  When I worked before kids, I received recognition and praise for my work, whereas now the things I do in the home aren't reviewed by anyone other than my family and there are no raises or promotions.  Furthermore, it is difficult to make myself known as somebody outside the home when I am struggling to keep up with the pace of home life. Unable to see what lies in the future, I find myself fearing that I will never be able to find my niche, the place where everything in my life fits perfectly in place with the dreams I desire.

Perhaps this is my purpose for now and I just need to learn to accept it and grasp it.  Despite my frustrations and struggles, I realize that I am extremely blessed and couldn't be more thankful for what has been provided for me.  I keep reminding myself that although it can feel uneasy and challenging, God has a plan for me and it may not be what I have planned.  For now, I am trying my best to stick to my roots, hold true to my values and beliefs, and maintain a positive attitude as much as possible.  If I can stay on track, hopefully the Me I have always known will jump back on the train and people will begin to know the real me.  As Helen Keller puts it, "Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood." 

How have you struggled with a loss of identy?  What have you done/are you doing to cope?  I want to hear your stories!     

Some things are Worth Waiting For!

Finally, after thirty years of watching characters in movies, seeing commercials on TV and hearing other people talk about the magical place of Disney World, I am there! It's funny how we think we outgrow our favorite childhood friends when we become adults. Just last Christmas I went through some old jewelry of mine that my mom had kept at her house and I came across Mickey Mouse earrings. I didn't think twice about leaving them there because I couldn't see myself wearing a child's character on my ears. Today, walking through Magic Kingdom, I wished that I was wearing them!
I am not sad that I didn't go to Disney World as a kid. Instead, I am happier that I didn't because now I can truly appreciate how great it is and know that childlike excitement is still embedded in my heart. Plus, now I get to share it with my own kids and watch their excitement and awe as they get to meet the special friends they watch on TV. We were expecting to take this trip sometime last year before we knew Randall was going to deploy. It took a little longer to get here, but we are here now and it was totally worth waiting for.