For When You Want to Get Away

Lately I have been desperately wanting a break. A break from waking up early, a break from chores, a break from my kids, a break from writing, and a break from thinking. It seems there is no time or place to find that truly quiet space where I can gather my thoughts and recharge my mind. I love my family and I dread missing out on valuable time with them. But lately I’ve just wanted to escape to a Caribbean island, allowing the sun to warm my body and staring out at the beautiful blue water, immersing myself in peace.


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But then I think about how if I were actually there, by myself, finally able to quiet my mind, I would just end up thinking about how much I miss those crazy kids.

So, then, if a Caribbean getaway isn’t the solution to calming my mind, then what is?

Now that I am well into my years as a mom, I understand so much more about why my own mom did things. I understand why she needed those catnaps in the afternoon or why she rested on the couch after dinner was over. I understand why she sometimes had to say no when I asked her to play with me. I understand why she got worried or frazzled by so many things. Like me, she too was overwhelmed and frustrated and tired. She, too, had too many things to do in a short amount of time. But unlike me, I never, ever, heard her complain about being tired. She just went and lied down.  I never heard her complain that she had to cook dinner, she just did it. I never heard her complain that she wanted to be by herself, she just accepted that her kids were always with her (or she dropped us off at grandma’s house!).   

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The truth is things are the way they are. I could continue to fight them and be miserable, or I could wake up every morning and accept them, accept that I have young kids and they are going to test my limits, accept that I am tired and decide to do the best I can anyway, and accept that my duties right now are those of a stay-home mom, to take care of the house and the food and the errands. I could accept that all of these things are sometimes a little bit harder because I am a military wife (okay, a lot harder!), and remember my faith that there is a bigger plan, a good plan, for all of the challenges I face in my life.

If, for now, my Caribbean paradise is five short minutes in the car as I drive to the grocery store, or just one chapter of the book I’ve been trying to read for months, I’ll take it. With fewer complaints and the right perspective, my getaway can be much closer than it seems.     

Don't Blink

A few days ago, my husband and I pulled up some home videos on the computer from the kids’ baby and toddler years. It was amazing to see how much they have changed in just a few short years, but it was also sad to see how much they have changed in such a few short years. It was sad not because I don’t enjoy their ages now, but because I don’t fully remember them being so little. As I watched, part of me felt like I was watching videos of someone else’s kids. Even though I had been the one behind the camera and fully present when those videos were taken, somewhere along the way I forgot about all of those times when they were just learning to crawl or walk or the adorable things they used to say as they learned new words. I forgot about how they would play with their toys, slowly evolving from the play mat to the Exersaucer to the standing push toys. I forgot about how much vitality and independence and love they had in their little minds. I have been so focused on the monotony of the everyday that I had no idea how much had actually changed.

I wonder if there was a way I could have appreciated those times more. I wonder if there was a way that I could have etched those days into my thoughts so that I wouldn’t forget. I think about how the first few years of their lives I was distracted by deployments and not only had to be their sole caretaker, but also had to figure out how to comfort myself. Did I spend too much time on myself? Did I give them as much time and attention as they deserved? Did I remember to heed the advice of others and “soak up these years because they will be gone before you know it?”

Sometimes I wish I could go back to those years and have them be little again. I wish I could change some of the decisions I made or some of the ways I responded to them. I wish I could have known in advance what I needed to do as a parent to appreciate their baby years to the absolute fullest. But I know that I cannot go back. I know that there is no way I could have known any of this in advance given my level of experience at the age I had kids. And I know that everything happens for a reason, to teach a lesson that can be used to steer us in the right direction.

Life goes by fast, whether we have kids or not, whether our kids are babies or teenagers or adults, and whether or not we actually do take the time to fully appreciate each day. All we can do is try our best to stay consciously aware of what’s going on around us and enjoy each day that we’re given. And one piece of advice that I will give to new parents or soon-to -be parents, something that I wish someone had told me, is this: don’t ever blink.

31 Days of Peace, Day 18

Thankful Thursdays: Thankful for my Kids

Another week has passed and there is much to be thankful for. Specifically, though, this week I wanted to focus on my kids. It is so easy for a mother to complain about the whining voices, persistent demands, rude behavior, lack of listening, and absence of a simple “thank you mom” to make her feel appreciated. But it is also easy for her to focus on those things her kids do which make her smile and melt her heart if she is willing to look past the challenges.

It is common for mothers to have an idea of how they want their children to be, as though there is a predetermined mold they hope their children fit into. But if we don’t allow our children to be their own unique people, not only will we suffer but so will our kids. It seems to be a law of nature that children must get on their mother’s nerves as much as possible, but then act absolutely perfect for everyone else. We fight it, we get frustrated, and we wonder why. Perhaps we should just let it be.

Here is what I am thankful for with my kids this week:

1.       That they come to me for their needs, like food when they are hungry, comfort when they are sick, and a blanket when they are cold because it means they trust me to help them.

2.       That my daughter is happy to see me when she gets off the school bus in the afternoon because it’s likely there will come a day when she would prefer I not be there.

3.       The increasing knowledge they display when they are playing in the house and having conversation. It’s amazing how much information their little minds hang on to.

4.       Their imaginations.

5.        How they want me to play with their toys with them.

6.       The extra kisses they give me out of nowhere.

7.       The messes they make with the art supplies because it means they are expressing their creativity and having fun while doing it.

8.       The loud, obnoxious singing from my daughter because it means she has a song in her heart.

9.       Their persistence in venturing away from me at stores or asking if I can buy them a toy or candy because it reminds me that I did the exact same thing when I was little.

10.   The temper tantrums, because it reminds me that they are still little and one day, when those tantrums are no more, I will miss these years.

What are you thankful for this week?

 

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Learning to Swim

There are some things in life that are so simple and so obvious, yet we never realize them.  We take for granted the things that are amazing in our lives because we just don’t see how much of a blessing they are.  As I talked to my dad on Father’s day, he asked how the kids were and if anything new was going on.  I told him that they would be beginning swimming lessons that week.  He was excited for them and pleased that they would be learning something that is a huge accomplishment for kids.  Somehow we got on the subject of how my brother and I learned to swim.  I told him that I took lessons but not until I was a little bit older, maybe seven or eight, and I was pretty sure my brother took lessons at our old house with one of his friends.  My dad hesitated, trying to remember, and then asked my mom if that was correct.  She affirmed it.  I knew my dad couldn’t remember much about our swimming lessons because he was always at work when we went to them.  They were usually during the day and my mom was the one to take us and see us develop our skills.  It wasn’t a big deal, and my brother and I didn’t feel bad that dad wasn’t there.  We knew that’s just how it was.  I didn’t think much more about it until a few days later when I realized something so evident, so eye-opening, that I was beside myself that I hadn’t seen it sooner. 

Being a stay-at-home mom is a difficult job.  I don’t think I need to list all of the tasks stay-at-home mothers have to complete, not to mention keeping their sanity when the kids are out of control.  I admit I am guilty of finding a way to complain about everything that is required of me as a stay-home mom and I get extremely frustrated and exhausted with the demands that are placed on me.  But there is something I have been failing to focus on, something that would send all those complaints right back into my mouth and zip it shut.  What I now see is that being a stay-home mom is one of the best gifts we can be given as moms because we don’t miss out on our children’s lives.  We are there for it all, every new accomplishment, every activity, every hug when they are sad or when they are proud of themselves and every smile on their faces when we pick them up from school.  We get to see their lives first-hand.  We are the ones they default to when they are truly upset.  More often than not, the dads don’t get those things.  They have to settle for a play-by-play story of these things.  They work all day to make money for the family at the expense that they miss out on seeing new things in their children’s lives.  They know that their kids can swim, but they don’t know how they learned to swim.

For military dads, the inability to experience their children’s lives is even greater.  Deployments take them away from their kids for many months at a time.  They have no choice but to learn about their kids accomplishments through phone calls and e-mails.  They won’t let you know it, but their hearts are breaking inside because they want to be there with their kids.  While us military wives and moms complain to them about how hard things are and how we hate doing it all by ourselves (I am regretfully guilty of this!), they are envying us because we get to see all that the kids do.  We get to hug them and kiss them.  We get to be the ones they come to.  We get the glory.

Sometimes the things we think are the hardest in life are really our greatest blessings.  I challenge you, when you are faced with obstacles, to take a step back and try to find the goodness in your circumstances.  Think about how you would feel if you had to work full time and could only see your kids in the evenings and on weekends, or if you had to be away from them for months.  When you are about ready to lock your kids in a closet for a few days, remember that you get to be there, you get to see their firsts, you are the ones they lean on.  Tell your husband thank you often and have mercy on him, because he so badly wants to switch places with you!

My Strong-Willed Child

Last night was my daughter's graduation from pre-school.  If you know my daughter, Keira, you know that she does what she wants and nothing more.  I was nervous going into the ceremony that she either was not going to do what she was supposed to do because she simply didn't feel like it, or she would do something crazy that drew extra attention to her, and not in a good way. 


When it was her time to proceed up the aisle, she walked swiftly, eyes straight ahead, stone face.  We tried to get her attention to smile, but had no luck.  Okay, I thought, that's fine.  I had done the same thing when I made my First Communion.  The pressure of everyone looking at me made me nervous, and maybe she felt the same way.  Eventually it was time for her class to perform on stage. They had three songs.  The first one was very entertaining to watch.  Each child had two paint mixing sticks and tapped them together or on their bodies somewhere following along with the words of the song.  It was fun to see how much fun the kids had with this one.  The second song was a sing along.  Keira had me laughing so hard I was crying!  She was being such a goof ball up there.  I kept looking at her and smiling, and every time she saw me she would do this really dramatic laugh and then throw her hands in her face like she was embarrassed for me to watch her.  Then she would turn and make a funny gesture at one of the boys standing next to her.  Some of the other parents around me, knowing Keira's little personality, looked over at me laughing along with me.  I could now see what was meant when another mom told me that her son thinks Keira is so funny!  So far so good, I thought.  The third and final song was a little different.  For some reason, Keira didn't feel like singing along with this one and I knew there was nothing that was going to change her mind.  Instead, she stood up there doing more silly things, but this time they didn't make me laugh.  She pretended to pick her nose, kept trying to pull the neckline of her dress over her face as if trying to hide, and even lifted up the skirt of her dress a few times (eek!) revealing the bloomers we had put on over her underwear.  At this point I was a little frustrated at her lack of composure.  The song finally ended and the graduating class recessed down the aisle.  This time, she was all smiles and waves.  Thank goodness it ended before she pulled her entire dress over her head!


A few months ago as Randall and I watched Keira in gymnastics class doing her own versions of the exercises rather than what the coach told her, Randall said, "I am the worst Marine dad ever.  My daughter has no self-discipline!"  Anyone in the military knows how strongly poise and self-control are emphasized in service-members, and I think it is sometimes assumed that military children will have the same composure.  And as parents in the military, we want to think that we can control our kids in the same way that the military controls us.  But the truth is, every child is different.  Some kids respond readily to discipline, whereas others, military brat or not, will have their own schedule and intentions and no one else is going to tell them what to do.  Despite the frustrations and I-want-to-rip-my-hair-out tempers, these strong-willed kids need to be encouraged to maintain their personalities.  They have a determination that is not found in the more mild-mannered child.  They have a way of manipulating situations to go their way.  This strong will, I am willing to bet, is the foundation for absolute success as an adult.

Keira makes me want to bang my head against a wall on most days.  I don't know how to deal with her because I cannot relate to her.  I was not a strong-willed child, at least not in the same way she is.  But I am so proud of her and who she is becoming.  She has so much determination which she is one day going to use to progress in the big world rather than figure out new ways to irritate her brother.  Parents with strong-willed children, I urge you to embrace them and encourage them.  This is difficult, and I myself need to work on it.  But there is no denying that they are going to be something big in the world someday, and we as parents must not stand in their way!