When Not Knowing is a Blessing

The past few days, I have found myself caught off guard when looking at my son. He’s such a big boy now! He is so tall and plays just like boys do and his sweet face is looking more mature every day. I realize that I must begin to adjust how I respond to him to fit his growing mind.  

Why is it that I am not ready for this? Why must everything go by so fast? Why is it that we gain wisdom only after the times when we could have used it?

Only after our babies have grown up do we realize how fast they really grow. Only after we struggle through those toddler years do we realize how differently we should have done things. Only after we have kids of our own do we realize our parents were right. Only after we leave our childhood nests do we realize how much we miss home. Only after our grandparents pass away do we realize all the things we wish we could ask them. Only after we face difficult circumstances do we realize how short time really is and that we probably overreacted a little, or a lot, to the challenges we endured.

It seems to be our curse that we discover what needs to be done only after it is too late.

Or is it a blessing?

Perhaps we aren’t supposed to know. Perhaps if we already had all the wisdom we needed for life, then wisdom wouldn’t be so great. Perhaps being able to realize when and where we falter is part of the pathway to becoming stronger, better people.  Perhaps this is all God’s way of telling us to be more attentive with our time because it won’t pass our way again.

I may have taken my kids’ baby and toddler year for granted, but I am blessed to have learned the value of time. I may have regrets about how I did certain things in their younger years, but I am blessed to have learned how important it is to think carefully before I make a parenting decision. I may not have realized how much I would miss my childhood home, but I am blessed to have such wonderful memories and can work towards creating great memories for my own children. I may have missed out on some great conversations with my grandparents, but I am blessed to have learned how important it is to cherish time with our loved ones.

 

I am blessed by the lessons which life is continually teaching me. 

 

In what areas do you wish you knew then what you know now? How could not knowing have actually been a blessing? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

Turning Over a New Leaf

Here is another blog from back in 2009 when the husband was deployed in Iraq. It is one of a series of "chapters" I wrote, beginning with my Good Grief post.  As I read through the past experiences and feelings, the very ones that created a real challenge for my mind, I am amazed by how nearly three years has gone by.  During deployments, we all think they are never going to end.  We all wish that we could just press the fast-forward button and have it all be over in an instant.  But what we don't realize is that our lives are already on fast-forward.  Life really is short, and we must embrace each moment that comes our way, whether we are comfortable in it or not.  I am hopeful that this post will give a little bit of inspiration not just to military wives, but to everyone who wishes to slow down and enjoy life.    
  

(From September, 2009)  “Don’t it always seem to go that we don’t know what we’ve got ‘til it’s gone.”  These words, from the song Big Yellow Taxi, by Joni Mitchell and later covered by Counting Crows, say a lot about life that most of us can probably relate to.  I have always liked this song, but the words did not stand out to me until I was listening to it during a workout shortly after Randall left on this deployment.  As I listened to it, tears came to my eyes because the words hit so close to home.  I realized that all summer long I had been taking for granted the fact that he was here.  On a positive note, there were times when I would get frustrated because he would get home from work so late, something that was out of his control, but I would redirect my thoughts and remind myself to be happy that he at least was coming home at the end of the day.  On the other hand, being the incessant busy body that I am, I also used his presence to fulfill my desires to get things done.  There were rooms to be painted, outdoor chores to be completed, and continuous cleaning to be done inside the house.  Sometimes I felt guilty about pressing my to-do list onto him when he already worked so hard during the week and knowing that he did not have much time at home before he deployed again.  However, I pushed these feelings of guilt aside and we worked together to get things done.  Being the great husband that he is, he followed my lead and helped me complete the tasks.

Now, I am kicking myself for not taking more time to relax and simply enjoy his company.  Though I am happy that we got as much done as we did, I know there are things that we could have put on hold.  I was so focused on wanting to get things done that I didn’t realize that the thing I wanted most was already there.  Perhaps I should have listened to him when he would say, “Stop doing the dishes.  They can wait until morning.  Come relax with me.”  My reply was always something like, “But I can’t relax until they are done.  And if I wake up in the morning to a sink full of dirty dishes, I’ll be in a bad mood.”  Seriously, what is my problem?  Nonetheless, I have realized my faults and am determined to turn over a new leaf.  There will always be things that I would like to accomplish, but from now on the number one thing on my list is going to be to enjoy my family.  Maybe sometimes we can enjoy each other while accomplishing tasks.  However, life goes by too quickly when one is speeding through it trying to get things done.  My goal is to slow down, take time to relax, and let the pile of dishes wait until morning.  My dad used to sing me a verse from a song, “Slow down, you move too fast. You’ve got to make the morning last.”  Let this be a gentle reminder to enjoy those things that matter most in life before they are whisked away faster than it takes to blink an eye.

We are now six weeks into the deployment.  Sometimes I think about how fast those weeks have gone by, other times I feel like we should be at the five month mark by now.  Either way, what is important is that we are progressing further towards Randall’s return each day.  Every morning is one day closer to being together again and that brings joy to my heart.  We are still early in the deployment, but already I am filled with excitement for the end.  I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, but at least I am traveling through it at a consistent pace.  Sometimes I wonder if I might get myself into trouble by thinking into the future too much.  I tease myself when I think about the late dinner dates that we create for ourselves after the kids go to bed or the glasses of wine and intellectual conversations on the couch because in my heart they feel so close, yet they are still so far away.  This is a new thing for me to have these feelings so early on.  Last year at this point, my focus was on having our baby in February, not on his homecoming at the end of March.  Once the baby was born, then I would be able to focus on his return.  This time, I do not have such an event to focus on, so naturally I end up thinking about when he will be home again.  It is difficult to be so excited for something and knowing that I just have to be patient.  However, the unfailing power of prayer has given me the strength I need to grasp this patience.  This excitement that I am feeling, this early anticipation, is no doubt one answer to my prayers.  Think back to Good Grief where all my feelings of joy were lost and all I could only focus on was the fact that all the happy times we had over the summer were gone.  I prayed for these feelings to get better.  Now, joy has been restored to my heart because I know, even though it is still five months away, Randall is coming home!  

The Will of the Wife

Military wives, I have concluded, are like flowers.  That is why I have titled my blog “A Chance to Bloom.”  Throughout my seven-and-a-half years as a military wife, I have quietly observed fellow wives, whether friends, acquaintances, or women I don’t even know, and have discovered that as different as they all are, there is a common characteristic present in each of them: the will to keep going.  Despite many difficult circumstances and emotional setbacks, they all continue to bloom, to keep pushing forward past the rough times and becoming stronger women. 

Helen Keller described that “A  happy life comes not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” This quote grasps the life of a military wife perfectly. In the world of the military, it is inevitable that hardships will occur in the form of challenging schedules, frequent moves, raising children alone, or perhaps even the loss of a soldier.  These are not situations that any wife wishes for in her life, but I have yet to witness a wife throw in the towel and walk away.  Instead, they deal with their emotions; they grieve their husbands’ absence; they vent their anger or sadness to close friends; and then they pick themselves up and keep going.  They have a will that gives them the strength to continue on the journey.   Perhaps it is because they know their husbands need their support and don’t want to let them down.  Maybe they are following the example of their husbands' drive and dedication to their country.  It could be that they are just doing what they feel God has called them to do.  No matter what the reason, this will allows them to overcome their obstacles and truly master their hardships.

Every person’s life has seasons.  Military wives are often required to endure tumultuous thunderstorms and long, gloomy winters.  But, as I have seen so far, they have a way of pushing forward and walking toward the break in the clouds.  They keep their heads up and their eyes forward.  And when they reach the sunlight, when their spring finally arrives, they bloom beautifully with renewed strength and joy.  I am honored to call myself a military wife, not only because I am proud of my husband, but because I am a part of an exceptional group of women who have set an example for how to weather the storm.  I married into the military not knowing anything about being a military wife.  But the other wives I have met along the way have shown me how to discover my own will, reach my own spring, and allow myself to bloom.  For this, I celebrate Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

A Matter of Pride

Two years ago, Randall signed up to be one of the pilots from his squadron to fly up to Boston for Marine Week.  He would land the helicopter on Boston Common and stand at the static display answering questions about the Cobra and give people the opportunity to sit in it.  Being that Randall’s parents live only an hour from Boston, I decided to fly up with the kids to see the family and also experience Marine Week myself.  I knew Randall would be busy with the static display and a flyover event, but he would also have time to visit with me and the kids, and my in-laws offered to take the kids to their house in the evening so I could stay in Boston with Randall.  Despite having to make the challenge of flying with a one-year old and a two-year old, I decided it would be worth it to have the chance to see family and hang out in Boston rather than stay cooped up at home all week.

As it turns out, the trip was worth it far beyond what I was expecting.  We did visit with Randall’s family, I did get to explore Boston, and Randall and I did get a few nights alone in the city.  But what I was not expecting was the overwhelming sense of pride I experienced, both for my husband and the Marine Corps, as I watched the events of Marine Week unfold.

When the kids and I landed in Boston, we made our way to baggage claim where Randall and his parents were waiting for us.  Randall was wearing his Deltas, the uniform with the bloodstripe pant, tan shirt, and white cover, as required by all the Marines participating in Marine Week.  When Keira and Clay saw him, they were thrilled to see their daddy and gave him big hugs and kisses.  I overheard some passersby commenting on how cute it was and it was neat to know that we were connected to this man in uniform.  Later that evening, Randall’s parents took the kids home with them and Randall and I headed out to a Red Sox game with the other Marine pilot who flew with Randall.  We walked along the streets towards the subway that would take us to Fenway Park.  At first, it was very intimidating for me to be walking next to two Marines in uniform, even though one of them was my own husband.  I can’t explain why, but it was as though I was walking next to two superstars and couldn’t understand how I could be so lucky be there.  But as we continued on, my intimidation turned into pride.  As people passed by, they would shout out, “Thank you for your service,” or would even reach out to shake their hands.  Furthermore, I felt safer next to these two men than I could ever feel walking around a big city.  As we neared Fenway, more people continued to thank the two of them for their service.  One guy who was trying to sell tickets chose to just give them to the guys when he saw them in uniform.  As he handed them over, he too said thank you.  My pride was quickly beginning to rise.

The next day Randall had a static display and the kids were with their grandparents, so I decided to venture out to the Quincy Market area.  Before I could do any shopping, I had to find some coffee and breakfast.  I knew there was a Dunkin Donuts on just about every corner in Boston, but for the life of me I couldn’t find one.  I finally asked someone and he pointed me to the nearest shop.  Somehow the timing and location of my breakfast venture landed me an amazing opportunity.  As I walked away from Dunkin Donuts and toward a friendly looking grassy area, I realized large black SUV’s lining the streets.  Not just any SUV, but the type you see in movies and on TV that carry somebody important.  I noticed crowds starting to line the sidewalk and Marines standing very still with their eyes directed towards something.  My first thought was, uh oh, maybe I’m not supposed to be here.  But then I saw what, or whom, they were watching.  The Commandant of the Marine Corps.  Just to be certain, I asked one of the nearby Marines if that’s who it was.  He said yes.  It was amazing to see the attention and respect each and every Marine had for this man as he walked by. 

I followed far behind so that I could perhaps get some pictures.  At one point the Commandant stopped to talk to some Marines and I took out my camera, not trying to get too close.  The Marine with whom I had spoken saw me and asked if I would like to get a picture with the Commandant.  I gladly accepted, shook the General’s hand, and even spoke to him about how my husband was a Cobra pilot, his squadron, and his deployments.  The fact that this very important person took the time to greet me was beyond my wildest expectations.  My feelings of pride rose even higher.

Later that day I passed by an area where the Marine Corps band was playing live for the crowd.  I listened as they played those marches we all know so well, including the Marine Corps hymn and, my favorite, Stars and Stripes Forever.  As I stood there I thought about the history of all these songs and the meaning they have for our country.  I thought about how far our country has come and the selfless soldiers who have fought to get us there.  I thought about our Flag and what it represents.  I thought about my freedom and how I couldn’t have it if no one was willing to fight for it.  I was thankful, and at that point my heart was filled with nothing but pride.

If you ever have the opportunity to attend this type of event, I strongly suggest you take it.  Go and experience how many people truly are thankful for our service members.  See how the military humbly comes together to make this nation great.  Watch the amazing displays provided by static displays, fly overs, or parade marches.  Observe the professionalism and respect that emanates from each soldier as they represent their country.    Just watch, take it all in, and wait for that pride to fill your soul.

The Marine Aviation Centennial Week will take place May 15^th through 20^th 2012 near Washington D.C.  It is my understanding that a Sunset Parade and flyover will take place the evening of the 16^th.  Don’t miss this opportunity to see what your service members are doing for you!

http://www.flymcaa.org/Marine-Aviation-Centennial.aspx

The Gift of Gratitude

So many days of my life, I get out of bed and immediately begin scurrying to complete my morning to-do list.  Number one, make coffee!  Then it’s get breakfast made for the kids and myself, make sure the kids actually eat their breakfast, sip my coffee, pack lunches, yell at the kids for getting their breakfast all over the table, clean up the mess, tell them it’s time to get ready for school, take another sip of coffee, get myself dressed, attempt to make my hair and face look like I didn’t just roll out of bed, keep sipping my coffee, herd the kids to their bedrooms to get them dressed, attempt to understand why it’s such an issue for them to wear what I pick out, allow them the chance to dress themselves to avoid the tantrum, lash out in frustration when they decide to play with toys instead of get dressed, try to find where I placed my coffee, eventually get everyone in the car without them getting some crazy boo boo that causes crying and the instant need for a bandaid, and chug down the remainder of my coffee.  I try to take deep breaths on the way to school when the kids strapped down in their seats and I can finally breathe for the first time in the day.  I am fully aware that my morning schedule needs a total overhaul, I just haven’t gotten there yet!

Then there are the times when I wake up in the morning and feel peaceful and thoughtful.  Something in my brain is signaling me to appreciate this day before it even starts.  I think about how blessed I am to have my children, my husband, my home, and my spirit.  I ponder how wonderful my life has been and how I really have no room to complain about any of it.  I wonder why it is so easy to get caught up in the fast pace of life and forget about all that has been given to us and why it is so hard to remember to be grateful.  I am a firm believer that gratitude is one of the most important traits a person can have.  By being thankful for our experiences, the things we have, and the people we meet, we can recognize all that is good in our lives.  Sometimes even bad experiences deserve gratitude because we become stronger as a result.  For military wives, it can be difficult to find gratitude for anything sometimes.  When times are hard, it is easy to have the mentality that those bad things are “happening” to us, or that we have been dealt an unlucky hand.  Sometimes we might think, “Man, life would be so much better if we weren’t in the military.”  On the contrary, military life lends us a multitude of things for which to be grateful.  We are not unlucky in the least but, as I see it, are some of the luckiest women in the world.  Because we are subjected to such extreme fluctuations in emotion, we have the ability to see life in a new perspective.  Without those hard times, the good times wouldn't be so great.  We have the choice to view the difficulties in our lives as something to be thankful for.  And when we choose gratitude, we will find something that many people struggle their entire lives to achieve: happiness. 

Keeping a grateful attitude not only increases personal happiness, it will benefit the people around us as well.  Imagine how good our husbands feel when they know we appreciate them and all that they do.  Think about all that your parents did for you while growing up and how wonderful it would be for them to know you are thankful for their efforts (I did this, I know!).  When you experience that ultimate customer service experience that just knocks your socks off, how do you think the manager would feel to know someone appreciates how hard his staff works to please people?  We feel good by making others feel good.  I encourage you  to practice being grateful by keeping a journal of all that you are thankful for.  Send a letter to a loved one or friend letting them know how much you appreciate them.  Leave your husband a note telling him that you are thankful all of his help, or how selflessly he serves his country. When you wake up in the morning, let the first thing you do be to thank God for this day.  Here are just a few of the things I am grateful for:

1.       My wonderful husband, his ability to put up with me, his selflessness in our relationship, and his trustworthiness.

2.      Two beautiful, healthy children.

3.       Good health, for myself and my family.

4.       The opportunity to experience different places in the U.S. by moving every few years.

5.        The humbling experience of knowing that life is not as easy as I had it growing up.

6.       The great friends I have met along the way.

7.       The ability to stay home with my kids in their early years of life.

8.       A life that challenges me to be the best person I can be.

9.       The things only God could give me: a teachable heart, joy for the simple things, strength to persevere, hope for my future, and His hand to guide me through it all.

10.   The sound of the garage door opening from inside the house because if I'm not opening it, there's only one other person doing it and it means he's home!  

About this Blog

As military wives, we have been given an amazing and unique opportunity to grow in ways that are beyond comprehension to some people.  We have married into a life that forces us to be flexible and take on more tasks than we ever thought we'd have to carry.  At some point or another, we are all faced with many of the same trials as our husbands deploy, relocate, and take on demanding positions that lend them little family time.  But we keep going, we keep dealing with the difficult times because we know that just as our nation needs its soldiers, our soldiers need their spouses.  In order for them to stay strong, we need to stay strong.  I imagine that all military wives gain a little more strength each and every day. 

It is easy to become frustrated with living the military live.  The amount of play it has on our emotions can seem almost cruel sometimes, but despite the difficulties, there are so many great aspects of military life which we need to embrace as much as possible.  Throughout the three deployments my husband and I have survived thus far, I have learned that being a military wife is a gift that has been handed to me by something greater than I can comprehend.  For me, that something greater is God.  He chose this life for me for reasons that I may not yet be able to see, but I do know that it is a gift that is continually forming me into the person I am meant to be.  I believe this is true for all military wives.  We were placed in this position because God knows we can handle it.  He knows we have the strength to do it, even if we don't always think so.  One of my favorite verses is James 1:2-3: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverence."  As a military wife, our faith is tested constantly.  Our faith in the military, our faith in our circumstances, our faith in what is unknown, and our faith in God.  But somehow we stay strong, we hold on when we are at the end of our ropes, and we get through the tough times.  We have been given a gift that enables us to develop the inner workings of our souls.  We have been given a gift that allows us a chance to bloom.