Lonely Sundays

Sundays were always a special day in my family. My mom, dad, brother, and I usually went to church first thing in the morning, and then came home to enjoy a homemade breakfast together. My dad always made breakfast on the weekends...on any given day we could choose from an egg scramble, waffles, pancakes, or French toast. They were all wonderfully good.

After breakfast, my mom usually read the newspaper and began the household to-do list, while my dad and brother ventured to the garage to work on their latest project, or just to tinker around. During the summer months, my dad spent hours working in the yard. I liked to help out by mowing the grass on the riding mower. In my twelve-year-old mind I imagined I was driving a real car on a real street and sang along to whatever song was stuck in my head that day. When I wasn’t mowing, I would spend time in the house with my mom with no real purpose…sometimes I’d help with chores and other times I’d simply find something to pass the time. There would be music on in the background and, whether they were the latest radio hits or Jim Brickman CDs, they were songs that slowly shaped my memories of those relaxing Sunday afternoons. And nearly every Sunday, I’d count the hours until it was time to go to grandma’s house for dinner.

Since becoming a military wife, Sundays have changed dramatically. When I first got married, it was difficult to accept that we would just be staying home on Sunday evenings. There was no one to visit for dinner and no one to entertain at our place. Slowly but surely, I got used to the new, much quieter Sundays and have come to enjoy the simple family time my husband and I have with our own kids.

But as military life goes, my husband is not always home on Sundays. In fact, in his current position he often leaves for trips on Sunday mornings. Over the course of three deployments, multiple training courses, and a billet that takes him on shorter but more frequent trips, Sundays often end up just me and the kids. I’ve tried to take them to church myself, but that doesn’t work out too well and I end up feeling frustrated rather than closer to God.  Many times I make a nice breakfast, but I usually can’t get anyone to sit down for longer than it takes to eat one bite and the idea of a family breakfast goes out the window. I try to think of fun things to do to enjoy the weekend, but those things usually only pass an hour or so. Sometimes I try to see if friends could come over for a visit, but they are usually busy with their own families. I get a creative itch to try a new recipe for dinner, but when I remember I am cooking for two kids as opposed to adults, I realize that the effort would probably cause more frustration than joy. And after a day’s worth of kid speak and mediating sibling rivalry, I wish I had someone with whom I could enjoy a glass of wine and some adult conversation.

It is on those days that I long for the old Sundays when I had somewhere to go and people to see. It is those days when I feel a loneliness inside that makes me wish we lived closer to family. It is those days when I realize that out of all the things I’ve adjusted to in military life, the lonely Sundays are one thing I will never get used to. 

"Home": A Memo for Military Wives

Last May, Phillip Phillips song “Home” was released as a single. It quickly climbed billboard charts and is still, eight months later, popular with music stations. I don’t know if the song was written for anyone in particular, but it might as well have been written for military wives:

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home 

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found 

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home 

Lyrics from http://www.azlyrics.com

When I listen to these words, I think about how well it relates to military wives. I think about how we cling to our husbands as we travel through this life of unfamiliarity, one where hardly anything is ever constant. I think about how the military is stringing us along with little say in where the road will end up, blindly facing obstacle after obstacle on the way. I think about how most of us, at one point or another, feel like we are alone in our endeavors and that we must keep ourselves together solely with our own strength. We wonder if we will ever truly feel at home.

 

And then there is an answer.  There is a message for how we can find the place that is our home. If we settle down, if we let our hearts relax and become open to this life, we might discover why we are meant for it. We might be able to see how our demons, our negative thoughts and attitudes, create fear, dragging us down and preventing us from finding peace. We might be able to remember that when we feel lost, there is always somebody who can find us because we are never, ever alone.

 

We have our husbands, our families, our friends, and our fellow military wives. We are surrounded by people who love us and are in this life with us. We have people who understand our challenges and who are going through the same difficulties themselves. Whether we realize it or not, these people are what home means to us. This home is not a particular house, nor a particular location. It is a lifestyle. It is the ones who are with us along the way. Our home is the military.

 

The next time you are feeling restless about your destiny and wondering why you are here, remember the words to this song. The next time you are feeling lost and alone and unable to find your way, listen to this song. Let it move you and inspire you. Let it remind you that you’re not in this alone. And let it bring you reassurance that no matter where you are, you are surrounded by home.

When the Holidays Leave You Longing for More

 It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written, but the break was much needed so that I could focus on celebrating Christmas and New Year’s and to simply be with my family. The kids, husband, and I travelled to Rhode Island and New Hampshire to spend Christmas with my in-laws. What a wonderful week it was. We went sledding and skiing and saw Disney on Ice. We relaxed next to a warm fire, thankful to be on vacation. On Christmas morning, we swam in a pool of wrapping paper and boxes and packaging as the kids insisted on taking every new toy out of the box so they could play with it right away. I took too many pictures with my new camera in hopes that I could capture all the memories. It was a week filled with fun and laughter and the comfort of having a full house at Christmas.

 Now that it is over, I am longing for more.

A few days after we got home my daughter told me she missed grandma. I thought about how confusing it must be for her to spend a whole week with her grandparents and have so much fun just to have it all suddenly come to an end. I thought about how often I got to see my grandparents growing up and never had to worry about when I would see them again. I thought about how my kids have not just one, but two sets of grandparents who they miss desperately. I thought about all the other military families who don’t have the luxury of living near their families, but must travel hundreds or thousands of miles just to see them at the holidays.

As I looked at my little girl’s sad face, I wished that I could just get in the car and drive her to her grandma’s to play for a few hours. I wished that our trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s house could end with a hug and a “see you next week!” I wished that we didn’t have to choose one family to spend the holidays with, but could have the ability to visit with both sets of families. On New Year’s Day, I wished that we could join my parents at their house for dinner and head back home at the day’s end. I wished that the military wouldn’t take us away from the most special people in our lives.

The fun and fulfilling time we spent with family this Christmas should have left me feeling content. But instead I am left with a longing, perhaps because of how great it was. It has left me wanting more of that kind of time together. More family dinners, more stories, more laughs, more pictures, and more full houses.

Over the years, I have learned to adjust to nearly every change and challenge that goes along with military life, and being separated from family is one of them. But the holiday season is a time when, no matter how well I have adapted, I go back to missing the years when the week between Christmas and New Year’s meant seeing everyone we love—grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins—on both sides of the family. It is a time when simply wishing each other a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year over the phone is just not enough.

I dream of a time when we have the ability to visit with all of our family during the holiday season. But I am also thankful for all the family we have, even if we can’t see them as often as we’d like. And I will rejoice in the memories we made this Christmas, the one which has left me longing for more.   

A Military Wife's Prayer

Deployments are never easy for a military wife. When they occur through the holiday season, she needs a little extra help finding cheer when her husband is away. Last year, all I wanted to do was hibernate through the month of December and wake up again after New Year's Day, when I could finally start planning my husband's return. But because of the kids, I couldn't do that. I'm so happy I didn't. It turned out to be a wonderful Christmas that I got to share with my husband through pictures, phone calls, and Skype.

My heart goes out to all of the military wives whose husbands are deployed this holiday season. It's not easy when your heart is yearning, but you must remember how strong you are and how brave he is. You must think about what is noble and praiseworthy in your situation. You must know that you are in this together. You may be far apart, but your hearts are tied closely together. 

This season, when you are feeling low and missing your soldier, I hope you find comfort in this prayer. Remember that he is missing you too, but if you can show him that you will be okay, he will be okay too. And when you wake up on Christmas morning surrounded by the friends and family you chose to visit this year, know that he is not alone either, but is surrounded by the love, support, and faith that can only come from you.

I pray that this holiday season, you might find peace in your circumstances, joy in your heart, and love all around you. Merry Christmas!



I discovered this prayer on a friend's blog, The Life of a Military Family. Thank you, Marcella!

How an Old Song has New Meaning

A few days ago while watching television, I heard a clip from the Cheers theme song. It had been a while since I heard that song and was happy to hear such a familiar tune. With joy, I began singing along to the words I remembered so well: “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came...”  But before I could go on, I was struck with surprise by the truth in what those words said. What used to be mere words to me suddenly turned into an exact description of how I often feel as a military wife. Sometimes all I want to do is just go to a place where I know I belong.

It is no secret that military families move often. Each time, military wives must rebuild their social lives with the people who surround them. This has always been a challenge for me. Though I enjoy making new friends, I always miss my old friends. Many times I find myself thinking about friends from college or the ones from previous duty stations and how much I love their company. They are the ones who already know me. They are the ones who I can be myself around. They are the ones who are happy to see me. When I must leave them behind, I lose the comfort of their presence, the ease of knowing that I am already liked, and their understanding when I make a mistake or say the wrong thing.

When I watched the show Cheers growing up, I just thought it was about a bunch of people who liked to hang out in a bar. But now, I see that the reason those people kept coming back (other than the fact that the script told them to!) was because that’s where they felt like somebody. That’s where they felt like they belonged. They could complain about their troubles and there was always someone who cared enough to listen.

Because military wives move so frequently, it is often difficult for them to develop the same sense of belonging. Building great friendships is something which takes time. When we do finally find those friendships, chances are it won’t be long before someone has to leave and the process starts all over again.

Fortunately, military wives are amazing. When I moved here in late July I had no close friends. But a friend from North Carolina told me about another wife she knew who was also moving to this area. That was my first friend here. And through her, I met many other wonderful ladies who introduced me to even more wives, and now there are people coming up to me at functions to say hello. One great thing about military life is that there is always somebody who knows somebody. A military wife is never truly without friends.  

Someday, I hope that I will have settled down somewhere long enough to have many great friends all in one area. And when that happens, you can be sure to find me at the place where everybody knows my name.   

Cultivating Happiness

“If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.” –James Russell Miller

This quote charmed me as soon as I read it. I am always searching for words of wisdom which can help me maintain a positive perspective on the trials I face as a military wife. These words suggest that there isn’t any burden I could possibly endure that should prevent me from being happy. They propose that by viewing the difficulties in my life as mere experiences which build upon my character and strengthen my soul, I can learn to accept any circumstance I am dealt without forfeiting my happiness.

Though I wholeheartedly believe this to be true, putting it into practice is easier said than done. There have been many times when my circumstances led me down the path of negativity and any attempt to take a positive perspective was overpowered. Deployments, demanding schedules, distance from family, and moving are a few of the situations which have troubled me over the years. Many times I knew exactly what it was I should be doing to get off the pessimistic path, but the will to do so was simply not there.

When I hesitate to see what is positive, I not only hurt myself but the rest of my family as well. The kids, with their remarkable intuition, can sense the anxiety emitting from me which, in turn, affects them negatively. My husband, as if he doesn’t have enough on his mind, must take extra care not to upset me even more, and we all know there is no defined line between what does and does not make a troubled woman upset. Furthermore, if I am stressed out it doesn’t make it easy for him to feel content. So basically, an anxious mommy equals no fun for anyone.

There is no denying that there is a time and a place for pining, but imagine if we put as much effort into positive thinking as we did into brooding.  We must remember that our troubles are part of our life experiences. They allow us to grow and change and become better versions of ourselves. They allow us to more fully appreciate the good times. They give us a reason to rely on others and create great friendships. It may sound contradictory, but our troubles are the things which make our lives all the more fulfilling.

It takes a lot of perseverance to overcome our negative tendencies, but with diligence we have the opportunity to create a new force within ourselves, a force which will conquer negativity and cultivate a spirit filled with happiness.

Who Knew the First Lady was a Comedian?

Last night, I had the privilege of attending an event at which the First Lady of the Marine Corps, Mrs. Bonnie Amos, spoke to military wives about what she feels are the most important aspects of being a military wife. When she began speaking her voice was sweet and dainty, leading me to believe this woman, who has made it nearly forty-two years as a military wife, surely has never yelled or thrown fits about the trials of military life. But I soon learned that the Commandant’s wife is no different from the rest of us military wives who have our fair share of complaints about life in the military.

Within the first few minutes of her speech, Mrs. Amos had the crowd laughing hysterically. She is one funny woman! She talked about the time she met her husband and joked about how, at first sight, she really didn’t like him at all. It wasn’t until he walked into the bank where she worked and asked her out that she willingly accepted, but only if he would pay to take her roommate along as well. She told us he agreed, and then shocked us all when she said, “Here’s this guy thinking he’s going to have a ménage a trois!”

She continued on with her speech, creating laughter in the audience all along the way. She talked about how she threw a temper tantrum every time her husband got orders and they had to move. She admitted that she threw tantrums upon leaving the old house and arriving at the new house, all the while saying, “This is the last time I am doing this!” There is no doubt that a sense of relief came over many of us in the audience knowing that even the Commandant’s wife has had her share of hissy fits throughout her time as a military wife. Upon talking about her grandchildren, Mrs. Amos told us that we might soon see the youngest one’s name in the newspaper because they plan on sending him to prison, at which time she playfully rolled her eyes at the thought of how unruly the child is. One would expect a child’s own mother to joke about this, but for the grandmother to be saying it was especially funny because usually grandmothers think their grandkids can do no wrong!

When the time came for questions at the end, one girl asked how she has made her marriage work for almost forty-two years. Her initial reply was, “I’m very sexy.” You can imagine our amusement hearing these words come from this sweet little lady! In response to the same question, she also talked about the importance of saying “I’m sorry” and asking forgiveness, humorously noting “even though he should have been the one to say it first.” Even after forty-one plus years of marriage, the woman still understands the idiosyncrasies of living with a man, especially an ego-driven Marine!

In addition to the humor, Mrs. Amos also spoke more seriously about the aspects of being a military wife. Specifically, she talked about having a career as a military spouse. She used her own career path as an example, stating that despite her managing experience she was forced to take an administrative assistant job at one point because that’s all she could find. But because of her willingness to take that job, she eventually worked her way up to a managing position for a real-estate company. The message she emphasized to us was how important it is to be adaptable and flexible when it comes to a job. She told us to discover what it is we can do, as basic as it might seem, but “be flexible as you go along the way.”

Another point that was made, something which resonated with me, is that our deepest learning comes from the hard times. Mrs. Amos emphasized the importance of friendships, the people we meet, and the connections we make. Sometimes the reason we are connected with certain people is because of the difficulties we are facing. In the midst of struggle, we find them or they find us, and we learn a great deal from them. She also stressed the importance of becoming involved with other military wives and with events or organizations in the military community. Not only do we meet others who could potentially become best friends, we also have the chance to make a difference. The First Lady said that she didn’t become very involved with the wives community until her husband was already a Lieutenant Colonel, but once she did she realized how much she had been missing. Now, she said her favorite part of the military lifestyle is the wives she meets along the way.

Everything Mrs. Amos said touched me deeply, as it is only natural to heed the wisdom of someone who has been through so many years as a military wife. But the most poignant advice Mrs. Amos gave, for me, came when I raised my hand during the question segment and asked what things helped her to pick herself back up and keep going when life got tough. She told me it was her faith and spirituality, and “Knowing that the reason we are in this position is because God has put us here.” My eyes filled with tears as she spoke because that is exactly the thing which gets me through my hard times. I can whine and complain and have a tantrum all I want, but that doesn’t change anything. I can’t change anything. The only way to get by when life gets overwhelming is to trust that God has put me here for a reason. This is his plan for me and there is a greater purpose for this way of life that I may not yet be able to see. I felt so blessed to have heard those words coming from the First Lady of the Marine Corps, a woman who knows more than anyone what it is like to be a military wife.

When the evening was over, I was filled with inspiration and motivation. I was reassured of the plan for my position as a military wife. I rediscovered the reason why I really do love being a military wife. I felt as though I could get through anything the military threw at me. I thought that if this wonderful woman could make it through all those years as a military wife, then so could I. When I got home, I told my husband that if he happened to be chosen for Commandant someday, I think I would be okay with it. He laughed, but I meant it. However far God decides to send us on this adventure, I will follow.

I am humbly grateful to Mrs. Amos, for sharing her inspiration and wisdom, and for the great laughs. She has no doubt left a footprint on my heart.

 

31 Days of Peace

Day 1



Today as I was catching up on some of the blogs I follow, I came across a blogging series hosted by The Nester where writers are encouraged to write on one particular topic of their choice every day for 31 days.  That is a lot of days to write about one thing!  But it inspired me to think about what topic I would want to write about for 31 days.  I though about 31 days to a no-yelling mommy, 31 days of keeping in touch with people, 31 days of not complaining, and the ideas go on.  Finally, I narrowed it down to a topic which would allow me to finally slow down after a pretty crazy couple of months and simply be in the present. My personal series is called 31 Days of Peace.  You can grab the button and follow along here:


<a href="http://achancetobloom.blogspot.com/p/31-days.html"><img src="http://i1342.photobucket.com/albums/o776/rcllwhite/31DaysofPeace_zps85801c84.jpg" /></a>

On a side note, it took me two hours, but I finally figured out how to create a grab button for myself!

 

So here is my first of 31 days of Peace.

 

Today is the first day of October.  Again.  How time flies!  This is one of my favorite months of the year because it brings with it the refreshing cool air, an abundant array of gorgeous colors, and a promise of hope.  

 

For the past four years, my husband has been either deployed or training during this time of year.  Whether October fell during the beginning of his absence or right in the middle of a long deployment, I always looked forward to it.  For me, it was a milestone for moving closer to the time he would be home.  It meant the holidays were right around the corner, which I knew would keep me busy and help me bear his absence.  It meant a break from the heat and more enjoyable time outside with the kids.  It meant that for the first time in months, I could take a breath and finally begin to feel peace.

 

This year October brings a different kind of peace with it.  This year, my peace is found in my husband's presence and our family being whole again.  It is found in the wisdom I have gained regarding time and how a year really is far shorter than it seems.  It is found in the love and gratitude I have for God for being my comfort, answering my prayers, knowing my strength, and holding my hand as I travel down the path of life. 

 

On this beautiful first day of October, as I breath in the cool autumn air and feel the warmth of my family's arms around me, I am at peace.

 

 

To view all of the 31 days of Peace, click here.

 

To read what others are writing about for 31 days, click here. 

 

Building a Better Self

Lately I've been struggling with staying positive.  The stress of the move, the frustrations when things don't go smoothly, and the unrelentless energy coming out of the kids all day has me frazzled.  But as I searched through some older writings of mine, I came across this one which reminds me of how strong I can be and how things will always get better.  It reminds me to try and appreciate the things that are good.  It reminds me that the hard times are just a bump in the road on the way to contentment.

 

“A happy life comes not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.”  These words from Helen Keller can be perfectly applied to the military wife’s life.  I do not believe I have mastered the hardship of deployment, but I have come a long way from where I used to be.  During the first deployment, I struggled with my fluctuating emotions.  I would be feeling so great for weeks at a time and all of a sudden something would change, causing me to be extremely sad and depressed for a few days.  Interestingly, the pattern seemed to follow the course of the months.  The first few days of each month marked my sadness, but then I would snap out of it and the rest of the month I felt strong, hopeful, and content.  Typically, a simple phone call from Randall and the sound of his voice was the thing that would lift my spirits again.  Whatever was causing anxiety and frustration would melt away.  I remember feeling that there must be some sort of voice, something in his subconscious mind, telling him it was time to call me because each time I was at my lowest point, sure enough I would receive a phone call.  Perhaps it was God’s way of answering my prayers.

I am not sure what caused my dip in emotions at the start of each month, nor do I care to remember the things that were frustrating me.  Maybe it was the raging pregnancy hormones, or maybe it was just me unable to control my wandering mind.  Whatever the reason, the emotional roller coaster I experienced has proven beneficial in the long run.  Not only did it prepare me for what to expect throughout this deployment, but it also has provided me with a foundation from which to build a stronger self.  I do not remember specifics; I just know that my anxieties during the last deployment were haunting.  My mind would race in the middle of the night causing me to lose precious sleep, I had little patience with my daughter, and I discovered that the positive person I had once known myself to be had become very negative.  I was not happy with this and knew I needed to change.  As the deployment progressed and homecoming drew near, much of the negativity subsided, but I knew I still needed to work on finding the old me. 

Shortly after Randall returned home, I began reading a book that laid the framework on the already existing foundation¹.  It talked about being content, whether it is with circumstances, self, relationships, or roles.  It also brought awareness to having a faulty focus on life and the detrimental effects of worry.  Biblical references were provided throughout the book which highlighted the theme of each chapter and the importance of God in our lives.  I have always been a religious person, but never before had I known the bible to be such an incredible manual on how to live a peaceful life.  From the moment I began reading the book, I began feeling a change take place in my heart.  The first few chapters on contentment really made me reconsider what is truly important in my life and how my attitude affects everything in and around me.  On the first page of the first chapter, the author states, “What we are on the inside, what we continually think about, eventually shows in our words, actions, and even on our countenances.²”  As my dad used to tell me, “We are responsible for what we think, do, and say.”  Needless to say, as I read through the book I found myself becoming more aware of myself and my life, and I began to feel my old self returning.  I would consider Randall’s impending second deployment as I read and could visualize myself getting through it with grace.  One friend even told me, after asking some questions about him going on a second deployment so soon, that I had a very positive attitude about it.  It was then that I realized that, in this type of situation, there is no other attitude to have.  It is our way of life and there is nothing that we can change about it.  Keeping a negative attitude will only make matters worse.  Times may be difficult, but no matter how far apart we are, we are in this together and, in the grand scheme of things, it is just a small segment of our life together. 

So far during this deployment, I have managed to keep the positive attitude I rediscovered in myself earlier in the year.  Sure, there are times when I am sad and really miss him, or when I get frustrated at the end of a long day taking care of two kids.  Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated with Randall for whatever reason.  But unlike the last deployment, I am learning to kick those thoughts out before they get too strong a hold on me.  There is a feeling of accomplishment when I think about how far I have come and how much stronger I am now than I used to be.  Perhaps this is why Helen Keller said happiness comes from the mastery of hardships.  Without hardships, there would be no opportunity to grow, nor would there be appreciation for the great things in life which, even in the midst of the hardship, allow the heart to find contentment.

 

1. Dillow, Linda.  (2007). Calm My Anxious Heart.  Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.
2. Dillow, Linda.  (2007). Calm My Anxious Heart. p. 11 Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.

Songs of the Seasons

It’s amazing to me how much music can evoke emotion within us.  There is something magical floating amidst the words and melodies that tugs on our heartstrings.  Sometimes the feelings are happy, sometimes they are sad, and sometimes they are simply reminiscent.  We come to form associations between certain songs and a particular person, place, or time in our lives.  Over time, these songs become part of us, part of the stories that shape our lives, and part of the memories we hold closest to our hearts.

I was very young when I realized the power of music on my emotions.  I still remember some of the songs I would hear on the radio as I sat in the back seat of the car looking out the window at the busy freeway on the way to grandma’s house.  That was in the mid-80s.  A few years later when our new house was being built, the popular songs of the time would be blasting from the workers’ radios while my family and I walked through the framework of what would soon be our home.  When I hear those songs today, I can feel the heat of that summer on my skin and almost smell the sawdust and freshly laid cement in our new basement.  I was only six years old.

The songs of the nineties represent many different seasons of my life. Some songs take me back to the early nineties when my brother and I would roller-skate in our basement with rock-songs playing on the radio.  Others remind me of school and summer vacations, friends and crushes.  Still others make me think about the Saturdays my mom and I would go shopping together or when my brother got his driver’s license and I’d ride with him learning the sounds of groups such as Boston, Pearl Jam, Live, Metallica, and weird heavy metal stuff for which I had no affinity.

The beginning of the new millennium was a time when I was big into Country music.  The songs I listened to take me back to my line-dancing days and the hours I spent at the grungy, smoke-filled bar dancing away until the wee hours of the morning.  I am reminded of the first concert I ever attended, where Kenny Chesney opened for Tim McGraw.  A few years later in 2003, I met a man.  He liked me enough to go line dancing with me, and the rest is history.  We both loved country music, and created “our songs” from the Top-20 list that was continually playing on the radio.  I can still feel the rush of excitement from sitting next to this guy I was incredibly smitten with while we drove around singing along to Rascal Flatts or Chris Cagle or George Strait.  But country music wasn’t all we listened to, and it turned out that we both had similar taste in almost all music.  He even got me to branch out and start listening to R&B and rap.  We have had some fun times listening to the crazy things these artists sing about!

In the past few years, music has created more emotion within me than ever before.  When Randall is deployed I find that certain songs speak to me, helping me to get by just a little bit longer.  I have been inspired to keep pushing forward and to think about the things which are good rather than the negatives.  Every so often, Randall will tell me of a song that reminds him of me and every time I hear it, it comforts me to know how he feels.  Certain songs remind me of the good times we have made together as a family and how much we have grown over the years. 

Right now, as we are adjusting to our new home, I am struggling to feel settled.  Everything is new and it has been hard for me to feel like I belong.  After living in North Carolina for so long, I had become part of the community.  I was known not only among fellow military families but in the civilian community as well.  The cashiers at the stores knew my face, some even knew my name.  I was known as Keira and Clay’s mom at their school.  I had made friends all around my neighborhood and beyond.  As much as Randall was deployed, I learned how the people and places in the area worked, figured out where places were, and learned short cuts in getting there.  Now, I am starting all over again.  The music I play to calm my mind only teases me, reminding me of all of those things I am missing.  The memories make me smile, but the desire to return to those times, to return to the place where those memories were created, dampens my spirits.  I keep reminding myself to have patience, that it has only been a few weeks.  One thing I have learned being a military wife is that transitions take time.  Eventually, I hope, there will be songs that remind me of this place when I hear them.  I hope to be reminded of the fun times we have created here and to see this season of my life as yet another one filled with great memories. 

Words from a Woman of Grace

A few months ago, I came across an old letter that my grandmother had sent to me shortly after I got married.  How sweet it was to get a hand-written note from her.  I had watched her write several notes to long-distant friends growing up, but I lived so close and saw her so often that there was no need to write to me.  Now, as a military wife, I was one more person to add to her long-distance list.  As I read the letter, I couldn’t help but smile at her charming words.  She wrote to inspire me about my new marriage, using her own marriage of over fifty years as an example.  She felt the need to share what she knew about keeping a strong, healthy relationship.  As I read along, I wished for her to be sitting there in front of me so I could say to her, “I already know all of this, grandma, because I watched you and papa together while I was growing up.”  But it was her last sentence which hung on my thoughts the most.  It almost surprised me when she said it, not because it was out of the ordinary, but rather because it was so remarkably ordinary.  Her words were, “Be kind to others, and to each other.”

Be kind.  This is one of the first things we are taught as children and continually etched into our minds as we grow up.  We are taught not to hit, not to call names, not to be rude, and to share.  We are taught to treat others how we would want to be treated.  Be kind to others.

In today’s fast-paced world of technology and materialism, it seems as though we have started to forget this simple virtue.  I have noticed more I-need-to-have-it-now attitudes.  I have seen less contentment.  I have witnessed teenagers with “I don’t care about you or anyone else” attitudes.  The focus seems to have changed from using kindness to lead us towards our desires to simply expecting our desires to be fulfilled. 

Even within a strong marriage, kindness can go by the wayside.  We learn to expect things from each other rather than gently requesting what we need or remembering to appreciate what has been done.  The things we used to love about each other become annoying.  We are no longer satisfied with the efforts the other makes and we demand more.  We fall into the “I am right, you are wrong” mentality. We forget that, even though time together has become comfortable and routine, our spouses are still people who deserve to be treated kindly.  Be kind to each other.

My grandmother was always kind.  I don’t think she had a mean bone in her body.  I do remember her being upset a few times, about what I don’t recall, but even when someone crossed her she never let her kindness falter.  She embodied grace in all she did.  I could not have asked for a better example of how to be.  But sometimes when life gets hard, when this military life seems more than I can bear, I admit that kindness is not my top priority.  I try my best, but every so often I do or say something that comes out unkind.  It is never intentional, but a result of the demands placed upon me and not knowing how to manage them.  I am sure my grandmother experienced such stress at some point in her life.  I long for her to be here so I could ask her how she dealt with the tough times.   I long to grasp her perfect grace.   I long to be more like her.  The words she wrote have left me with a gentle reminder of how to get there.

A Letter to my House

Dear House,

How quickly our years together have gone.  It feels like yesterday we were moving in and trying to figure out how to arrange our belongings and the best places to position the pictures on your walls.  The first night I stayed here I remember not being able to sleep from the strange noises and the unfamiliarity of the darkness around your corners.  I was nervous for the safety of our newborn baby down the hall.  But how quickly that changed and we soon began to breathe life into you, to make you our shelter, our safe haven, our home.  The unsettling darkness became more familiar and I could rest knowing I was safe within you.  I grew accustomed to the strange noises of the night and soon didn’t even realize they were there.  As I unpacked the boxes and placed all of our things throughout your rooms, I began to feel a welcoming warmth, a sense of life, as though your blood had begun to flow and your heart had begun to beat.

It wasn’t long before I fell into a daily routine.  The gentle glow of the sun just beginning to shine through your windows every morning was so comforting.  How much I enjoyed walking down the hallway with the dawn of light filling your rooms and leading the way to my baby girl.  I’d pick her up out of her crib and carry her with me as I opened the blinds to every window, letting light come inside and warm the air.  It was time for you to wake up too.  I’d get breakfast going in the kitchen while listening to the noises of Keira playing in her bouncy chair and the Today show in the background. I’d slowly sip my coffee, basking in the glory of a new day.  Oh, how many wonderful mornings I have enjoyed with you!

Time went on, and days turned into weeks, months, and years as they always do.  Our first deployment came along, then a second, then a third.  You were there, comforting me through my pain and sadness and helping me to feel safe when I was alone.  A second baby became part of our family.  You stood strong, protecting me through the pregnancy and in those first few weeks of our little boy’s life when his daddy was still deployed and I was figuring out how to be a mother of two.  When I traveled to see family, despite my joy in visiting with them, I longed for your comfort and security, for the cozy feeling I would get as I laid on the couch every night relaxing the day away.  Your breath, your heartbeat, continually lured me back to you, the only place I could truly call home.

When we bought you, you were just a structure, a building with a roof to protect us from the wind and rain.  We would have been blessed if that was all you ever were.  But to me, you became more than that. You became like a child to me.  When we moved in, you came alive and I have felt like it was my duty to keep you alive, to make you the best that you could be.  I’ve painted your walls, and hung curtains on your windows.  I’ve cleaned you down to every corner and crevice.  If something needed to be fixed and I could do it myself, I fixed it.  We nurtured your yard, giving you a fence and patio in the back and a charming tree in the front.  We’ve (finally!) gotten your grass to be a plush carpet of green.  We’ve worked hard on giving you as much as we could, and it is undeniable that every penny, every bead of sweat, has been more than worth it.

As we have grown, as our lives have changed, you have been there to witness it all.  If you could talk, you could say more about our family than anyone.  I hope you would have good things to say.  The memories we have been able to create within and around you are priceless.  I will always treasure the sight of my babies learning to crawl and walk in your rooms.  I will reminisce about the joy the kids got from playing outside in your yard.  I will laugh at the silly arguments Randall and I would get into during our family home-improvement projects, but delight in the joy we got from the end results.  And I will be forever thankful to you for being such a splendid home, a safe place for my kids to have their first years, my trusted protection when Randall was gone, and the perfect template for creating so many wonderful memories.  But the time has come, as we knew it would, for the military to move us again.  I am sad to have to say goodbye, but you will always be with me in my heart.  And when the next person who lives here opens your blinds and the morning sunlight warms you, perhaps you will remember me, remember us, the ones who brought you to life and started the beating of your heart.

With Love,

Lisa     

This Too Shall Pass

The stresses of moving are officially in full swing.  It's been over a week since my last post because we were enjoying wonderful family vacation in Myrtle Beach with my husband's family.  I had brought my computer down with me in hope that I would get the chance to write at least one post, but ultimately I needed the time to just relax and enjoy the time with everyone.  Besides, everyone needs a break from their job, which is what I am calling this blog for myself.  It makes me feel more intellectual during a time when I am almost always stuck in "mommy brain."

Now that we are home from the Beach, the task list we had been procrastinating on has reared its ugly face.  I'm not too worried, since I work better under pressure anyway.  But I cannot deny that the stress level has risen.  And it will continue to rise the closer we get to the move.  The fact that I've gone through all of this before has no value.  It never gets easier to turn your house upside down after being settled for several years.  But if I have learned anything while living here, it is to always try to find the positive in a difficult situation.  One thing that is always good about moving is finding those things which haven't been used in a few years and getting rid of them.  I love de-cluttering!

What is more bothersome for me than all of the things which must be completed is knowing that I will be leaving some great people behind.  I have been so blessed in this place to have been surrounded by remarkable people who have helped me as a new mom, people who have guided me as a military wife, and people who have been more than willing to help when my husband was deployed.  I have formed relationships which have made living here that much more enjoyable.  Not only will I miss these people, but I am also nervous that it will be hard to find people like that in our new place.  I wonder if it is possible to be that lucky somewhere else. 

    

It is times like these, when worry and stress run high, that a military wife is given the choice to let her situation defeat her or to stand strong and make the most of something she can't change.  She is given the chance to become a little bit stronger, develop a little more perseverance, and bloom a little bigger.

For now, I am staying positive.  I am optimistic that this move will be good for me and for our family.  I know I will eventually make new friends, and am trying to not be apprehensive about it.  And when I grow tired, when my body is physically exhausted and my mind has had enough thinking and planning and worrying, I will remember, "This too shall pass." -Ancient Proverb       

A Matter of Perspective

“Whatever you focus upon, increases.”  I came across this quote while reading The Noticer, by Andy Andrews.  I had received the book as a gift from a good friend who said it was a great read.  Taking her advice, I began reading and soon realized for myself how remarkable it was. 

I was especially encouraged by this quote because it relates so well to my life.  For the past nine years or so I have struggled with anxiety.  I believe the reason I find it affecting me so badly is because I never learned how to deal with stress growing up.  I was blessed to have had a very happy, very easy childhood, but it came at the expense that I was not prepared for the pressures and responsibilities of adulthood.  Now, when things get stressful, which is often as a military wife, it tends to weigh me down and get me frazzled because I don’t know how to deal with the issues productively.  Over time, I lose focus of the positive and begin to place emphasis on how difficult things are.  Much to my dismay, I admit that despite the many blessings in my life, I often find myself complaining. 

Fortunately, I have a choice to change my mind and direct it toward what is good.  I have found through this quote that something positive can be found for nearly any difficult situation.  When I have had enough of my kids and they are frustrating me beyond my limits, I can choose to think about how grateful I am that they are healthy and happy. When I am angry about my husband’s demanding schedule and how the kids and I haven’t seen him much lately, I can remember that there are many people out there whose husbands are deployed and won’t be coming home for a long time.  When he is deployed and I am lonely and physically and emotionally tired, I can try to stay focused on perseverance and how our family will become so much stronger because of it.  When I get sad thinking about how much I miss my grandma and grandpa, I can reflect on the good times I had with them and how lucky I was to have had them in my life for so long.  When I am just having a bad day, I can take a step outside and rejoice in the trees and the flowers and the simple beauty of the life around me.

The things we continually think about are reflected in our everyday lives.  What the mind thinks about, the heart follows. By staying focused on the positives, those things and the feelings which accompany them will increase and we will become more productive at handling stress and anxiety.  And, the more we can direct ourselves to a positive state of mind, the less we will find ourselves complaining.  We have the ability to create happier, more fulfilling lives by simply choosing to find the positives and focus on those things.  Remember, “Whatever you focus upon, increases.”  Write it down, tape it on a wall or mirror, and read it often.  See for yourself how your mind can help you create an entirely new perspective on your circumstances.

Andrews, Andy. The Noticer: sometimes all a person needs is a little perspective. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Inc.  2009.

A Few Steps Back

Sometimes, we just need to let go.  As we slowly move through life in the military, we learn to adapt and become stronger, building brick walls around our hearts as we go.  We begrudgingly move through deployments trying our best to ignore the feelings of emptiness that threaten our success.  We tell ourselves we are ready to move and that a change will be good.  We guard our tongues when all we really want to do is scream at the military for making it so hard because we know that no matter how hard we try, we cannot change our circumstances.  We deny our minds access to think about the things we are missing because of our duty to the military.  Every so often, though, a brick becomes loose and the wall crumbles a bit.  With hardened hearts, we quickly try to patch it back together before it falls completely.  We push the thoughts to the back of our minds hoping that with time they will just go away.  We are unwilling to lose strength.

Randall and I had just gotten the kids to bed and sat ourselves on the couch ready to watch our evening television shows.  I was ready to decompress for the day and forget about the thoughts going through my head.  Randall, with his impeccable instinct, noticed that I had been quieter than my usual self lately and asked if everything was okay.  He makes a habit of checking up on me regularly, but I generally tell him nothing is bothering me and that I’m just tired.  But this time, something urged me to talk to him.  Something in my head told me that he needed to know what was on my mind.  I broke down. 

The truth is, my heart has been yearning for those things I miss.  Growing up, it wasn’t just me, my brother, and my parents.  It was my entire family—grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, close family friends—and I never missed out on anything.  Now, family is hundreds of miles away and we see them only but a few times a year.  When I talk to my mom on the phone, I find joy in hearing about the family get-togethers and the new things that my one-year-old nephew is doing, but deep down it breaks my heart because I can’t be there myself.  I think about Randall’s brother and sister-in-law, who we haven’t seen since January of 2010 nor have we met their baby girl who just turned a year old.  I am saddened by how little my kids get to see their grandparents because of how much I treasured seeing my own grandparents while growing up, and how they don’t get to play with their cousins.  I miss always having places to go and people to see, people who, no matter what, were always happy to see me.

And then there are my dreams.  For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about a house, a big and beautiful house in which my family and I would settle down.  I fantasized about lots of windows to let light in, a wonderful gourmet kitchen which opened to the living room, and a large deck outside where I would sit and drink my coffee while listening to the birds in the morning.  I dreamt about the memories that would be created in this home.  I visualized my kids running around a large yard in their bare feet, or sledding down a hill in the winter.  I see myself looking out the windows admiring the plush, green leaves in the summer, the beautiful colors on the trees in the fall, the softly-falling snow in the winter, and the first blossoms in the spring.  I miss the seasons of the north where I am most at home.  Now, despite my acceptance of my current circumstances, I can’t help but crave this dream and wonder if it will ever happen.   We have made some wonderful memories in the places we have lived, but all of these places are temporary residences we inhabit based on where the military sends us.  We acclimate to our surroundings but, for me, there is always a void, always something missing.

It felt good to vent my feelings, although Randall struggled with it because he couldn’t fix what was making me sad.  But there is no way to fix it, and that’s okay.  Being strong all the time is extremely difficult and no one is perfect.  It is inevitable that our bricks will crumble a bit here and there and we will regress.  Honestly, I am grateful that I miss these things so much because it means that I had a happy childhood.  It means that I paid enough attention while I was little to appreciate what I had.  It means that I learned to dream big so that I would have something to strive for when I got older.  The military lifestyle is nowhere close to the way I grew up.  But because I cannot change my circumstances, I can choose to accept them and create a new lifestyle, one that my kids will look back on one day and miss just as I do.  Every so often we fall a few steps behind in our journey towards strength, but eventually we catch up, all the while gaining a little bit more perseverance.  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” –Serenity Prayer

Learning to Swim

There are some things in life that are so simple and so obvious, yet we never realize them.  We take for granted the things that are amazing in our lives because we just don’t see how much of a blessing they are.  As I talked to my dad on Father’s day, he asked how the kids were and if anything new was going on.  I told him that they would be beginning swimming lessons that week.  He was excited for them and pleased that they would be learning something that is a huge accomplishment for kids.  Somehow we got on the subject of how my brother and I learned to swim.  I told him that I took lessons but not until I was a little bit older, maybe seven or eight, and I was pretty sure my brother took lessons at our old house with one of his friends.  My dad hesitated, trying to remember, and then asked my mom if that was correct.  She affirmed it.  I knew my dad couldn’t remember much about our swimming lessons because he was always at work when we went to them.  They were usually during the day and my mom was the one to take us and see us develop our skills.  It wasn’t a big deal, and my brother and I didn’t feel bad that dad wasn’t there.  We knew that’s just how it was.  I didn’t think much more about it until a few days later when I realized something so evident, so eye-opening, that I was beside myself that I hadn’t seen it sooner. 

Being a stay-at-home mom is a difficult job.  I don’t think I need to list all of the tasks stay-at-home mothers have to complete, not to mention keeping their sanity when the kids are out of control.  I admit I am guilty of finding a way to complain about everything that is required of me as a stay-home mom and I get extremely frustrated and exhausted with the demands that are placed on me.  But there is something I have been failing to focus on, something that would send all those complaints right back into my mouth and zip it shut.  What I now see is that being a stay-home mom is one of the best gifts we can be given as moms because we don’t miss out on our children’s lives.  We are there for it all, every new accomplishment, every activity, every hug when they are sad or when they are proud of themselves and every smile on their faces when we pick them up from school.  We get to see their lives first-hand.  We are the ones they default to when they are truly upset.  More often than not, the dads don’t get those things.  They have to settle for a play-by-play story of these things.  They work all day to make money for the family at the expense that they miss out on seeing new things in their children’s lives.  They know that their kids can swim, but they don’t know how they learned to swim.

For military dads, the inability to experience their children’s lives is even greater.  Deployments take them away from their kids for many months at a time.  They have no choice but to learn about their kids accomplishments through phone calls and e-mails.  They won’t let you know it, but their hearts are breaking inside because they want to be there with their kids.  While us military wives and moms complain to them about how hard things are and how we hate doing it all by ourselves (I am regretfully guilty of this!), they are envying us because we get to see all that the kids do.  We get to hug them and kiss them.  We get to be the ones they come to.  We get the glory.

Sometimes the things we think are the hardest in life are really our greatest blessings.  I challenge you, when you are faced with obstacles, to take a step back and try to find the goodness in your circumstances.  Think about how you would feel if you had to work full time and could only see your kids in the evenings and on weekends, or if you had to be away from them for months.  When you are about ready to lock your kids in a closet for a few days, remember that you get to be there, you get to see their firsts, you are the ones they lean on.  Tell your husband thank you often and have mercy on him, because he so badly wants to switch places with you!