I have always been more on the independent side, constantly
wanting to figure things out on my own and having the willpower to complete necessary
tasks without needing outside motivation. I’ve never had a problem with
spending time with myself on a regular basis and often look forward to some
alone time to decompress.
My independence has only grown as a military wife. Over the
course of three deployments, there were many, many days where my husband was
unavailable to assist in essential tasks pertaining to the kids, the house, the
yard, the cars, the finances, and anything else that required attention. But
because of my independent nature, I managed to do what needed to be done in a
timely manner and even learned some new skills along the way. It was easy to think
I was completely self-sufficient and didn’t need any assistance, so I seldom
asked for it.
I seldom asked for it. And while I was busy accomplishing the the to-do
list on my own, my kids were vying for undivided attention. They were looking for
compassion and understanding during a time when they missed their daddy so much.
Could it be that my independent nature thwarted my ability
to show compassion towards my children? I remember them being upset or crying
about something and I would just tell them to brush it off. I couldn’t understand
why they were so needy and why they didn’t learn from my independent ways. I
was foolishly unaware of the fact that my independence was causing me to be a
brash and insensitive mommy.
The truth is deep down I felt the same way they did: sad,
frustrated, lonely, and unsettled.
Thankfully, they always forgave me. Thankfully, they still
had compassion of their own and used it towards me. Thankfully, they seemed to
understand that this time was tough for me too.
But they had a different way of coping than I did. Independence
was my way of coping. Feeling like I could do everything on my own motivated me
to keep going and I was less likely to stumble. The times during deployments
when I have struggled most were the times when I allowed myself to feel dependent
on my husband even though he was on the other side of the world. When I pushed
those feelings aside, I felt better. But
it also left me with a hardened heart.
Being independent is a good thing. But during deployments, too
much independence can cause us to withdrawal from others who are there to help.
It can cause us to place too much emphasis on chores rather than on having patience,
grace, and compassion. It can prevent us from being the parents we need to be
to our children. It can withhold valuable emotional support from friends and loved ones.
I hope that before the next deployment, I am able to find
balance between independence and compassion. The truth is I do need others. We
all do. And the only way to effectively keep them a part of our lives is to
treat them how we ourselves want to be treated: with kindness and
compassion. This is especially necessary for our children, who need little else than to know that we care.
No comments:
Post a Comment