"Home": A Memo for Military Wives

Last May, Phillip Phillips song “Home” was released as a single. It quickly climbed billboard charts and is still, eight months later, popular with music stations. I don’t know if the song was written for anyone in particular, but it might as well have been written for military wives:

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home 

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found 

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home 

Lyrics from http://www.azlyrics.com

When I listen to these words, I think about how well it relates to military wives. I think about how we cling to our husbands as we travel through this life of unfamiliarity, one where hardly anything is ever constant. I think about how the military is stringing us along with little say in where the road will end up, blindly facing obstacle after obstacle on the way. I think about how most of us, at one point or another, feel like we are alone in our endeavors and that we must keep ourselves together solely with our own strength. We wonder if we will ever truly feel at home.

 

And then there is an answer.  There is a message for how we can find the place that is our home. If we settle down, if we let our hearts relax and become open to this life, we might discover why we are meant for it. We might be able to see how our demons, our negative thoughts and attitudes, create fear, dragging us down and preventing us from finding peace. We might be able to remember that when we feel lost, there is always somebody who can find us because we are never, ever alone.

 

We have our husbands, our families, our friends, and our fellow military wives. We are surrounded by people who love us and are in this life with us. We have people who understand our challenges and who are going through the same difficulties themselves. Whether we realize it or not, these people are what home means to us. This home is not a particular house, nor a particular location. It is a lifestyle. It is the ones who are with us along the way. Our home is the military.

 

The next time you are feeling restless about your destiny and wondering why you are here, remember the words to this song. The next time you are feeling lost and alone and unable to find your way, listen to this song. Let it move you and inspire you. Let it remind you that you’re not in this alone. And let it bring you reassurance that no matter where you are, you are surrounded by home.

Cultivating Happiness

“If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.” –James Russell Miller

This quote charmed me as soon as I read it. I am always searching for words of wisdom which can help me maintain a positive perspective on the trials I face as a military wife. These words suggest that there isn’t any burden I could possibly endure that should prevent me from being happy. They propose that by viewing the difficulties in my life as mere experiences which build upon my character and strengthen my soul, I can learn to accept any circumstance I am dealt without forfeiting my happiness.

Though I wholeheartedly believe this to be true, putting it into practice is easier said than done. There have been many times when my circumstances led me down the path of negativity and any attempt to take a positive perspective was overpowered. Deployments, demanding schedules, distance from family, and moving are a few of the situations which have troubled me over the years. Many times I knew exactly what it was I should be doing to get off the pessimistic path, but the will to do so was simply not there.

When I hesitate to see what is positive, I not only hurt myself but the rest of my family as well. The kids, with their remarkable intuition, can sense the anxiety emitting from me which, in turn, affects them negatively. My husband, as if he doesn’t have enough on his mind, must take extra care not to upset me even more, and we all know there is no defined line between what does and does not make a troubled woman upset. Furthermore, if I am stressed out it doesn’t make it easy for him to feel content. So basically, an anxious mommy equals no fun for anyone.

There is no denying that there is a time and a place for pining, but imagine if we put as much effort into positive thinking as we did into brooding.  We must remember that our troubles are part of our life experiences. They allow us to grow and change and become better versions of ourselves. They allow us to more fully appreciate the good times. They give us a reason to rely on others and create great friendships. It may sound contradictory, but our troubles are the things which make our lives all the more fulfilling.

It takes a lot of perseverance to overcome our negative tendencies, but with diligence we have the opportunity to create a new force within ourselves, a force which will conquer negativity and cultivate a spirit filled with happiness.

31 Days of Peace, Day 22

Just Keep Going

When your path seems too long and your body is tired, keep going. When your spirits are low and you want to give up, keep going. When there's too much to do and you can't fit it all into the day, keep going. When there's nothing you can do, keep going. Keep going forward, pick up your feet, and lift your head high. Walk as though you are unwilling to surrender and you might just find the tides turning in your favor. You might just find the comfort of peace.  

 

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This Too Shall Pass

The stresses of moving are officially in full swing.  It's been over a week since my last post because we were enjoying wonderful family vacation in Myrtle Beach with my husband's family.  I had brought my computer down with me in hope that I would get the chance to write at least one post, but ultimately I needed the time to just relax and enjoy the time with everyone.  Besides, everyone needs a break from their job, which is what I am calling this blog for myself.  It makes me feel more intellectual during a time when I am almost always stuck in "mommy brain."

Now that we are home from the Beach, the task list we had been procrastinating on has reared its ugly face.  I'm not too worried, since I work better under pressure anyway.  But I cannot deny that the stress level has risen.  And it will continue to rise the closer we get to the move.  The fact that I've gone through all of this before has no value.  It never gets easier to turn your house upside down after being settled for several years.  But if I have learned anything while living here, it is to always try to find the positive in a difficult situation.  One thing that is always good about moving is finding those things which haven't been used in a few years and getting rid of them.  I love de-cluttering!

What is more bothersome for me than all of the things which must be completed is knowing that I will be leaving some great people behind.  I have been so blessed in this place to have been surrounded by remarkable people who have helped me as a new mom, people who have guided me as a military wife, and people who have been more than willing to help when my husband was deployed.  I have formed relationships which have made living here that much more enjoyable.  Not only will I miss these people, but I am also nervous that it will be hard to find people like that in our new place.  I wonder if it is possible to be that lucky somewhere else. 

    

It is times like these, when worry and stress run high, that a military wife is given the choice to let her situation defeat her or to stand strong and make the most of something she can't change.  She is given the chance to become a little bit stronger, develop a little more perseverance, and bloom a little bigger.

For now, I am staying positive.  I am optimistic that this move will be good for me and for our family.  I know I will eventually make new friends, and am trying to not be apprehensive about it.  And when I grow tired, when my body is physically exhausted and my mind has had enough thinking and planning and worrying, I will remember, "This too shall pass." -Ancient Proverb       

A Few Steps Back

Sometimes, we just need to let go.  As we slowly move through life in the military, we learn to adapt and become stronger, building brick walls around our hearts as we go.  We begrudgingly move through deployments trying our best to ignore the feelings of emptiness that threaten our success.  We tell ourselves we are ready to move and that a change will be good.  We guard our tongues when all we really want to do is scream at the military for making it so hard because we know that no matter how hard we try, we cannot change our circumstances.  We deny our minds access to think about the things we are missing because of our duty to the military.  Every so often, though, a brick becomes loose and the wall crumbles a bit.  With hardened hearts, we quickly try to patch it back together before it falls completely.  We push the thoughts to the back of our minds hoping that with time they will just go away.  We are unwilling to lose strength.

Randall and I had just gotten the kids to bed and sat ourselves on the couch ready to watch our evening television shows.  I was ready to decompress for the day and forget about the thoughts going through my head.  Randall, with his impeccable instinct, noticed that I had been quieter than my usual self lately and asked if everything was okay.  He makes a habit of checking up on me regularly, but I generally tell him nothing is bothering me and that I’m just tired.  But this time, something urged me to talk to him.  Something in my head told me that he needed to know what was on my mind.  I broke down. 

The truth is, my heart has been yearning for those things I miss.  Growing up, it wasn’t just me, my brother, and my parents.  It was my entire family—grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, close family friends—and I never missed out on anything.  Now, family is hundreds of miles away and we see them only but a few times a year.  When I talk to my mom on the phone, I find joy in hearing about the family get-togethers and the new things that my one-year-old nephew is doing, but deep down it breaks my heart because I can’t be there myself.  I think about Randall’s brother and sister-in-law, who we haven’t seen since January of 2010 nor have we met their baby girl who just turned a year old.  I am saddened by how little my kids get to see their grandparents because of how much I treasured seeing my own grandparents while growing up, and how they don’t get to play with their cousins.  I miss always having places to go and people to see, people who, no matter what, were always happy to see me.

And then there are my dreams.  For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about a house, a big and beautiful house in which my family and I would settle down.  I fantasized about lots of windows to let light in, a wonderful gourmet kitchen which opened to the living room, and a large deck outside where I would sit and drink my coffee while listening to the birds in the morning.  I dreamt about the memories that would be created in this home.  I visualized my kids running around a large yard in their bare feet, or sledding down a hill in the winter.  I see myself looking out the windows admiring the plush, green leaves in the summer, the beautiful colors on the trees in the fall, the softly-falling snow in the winter, and the first blossoms in the spring.  I miss the seasons of the north where I am most at home.  Now, despite my acceptance of my current circumstances, I can’t help but crave this dream and wonder if it will ever happen.   We have made some wonderful memories in the places we have lived, but all of these places are temporary residences we inhabit based on where the military sends us.  We acclimate to our surroundings but, for me, there is always a void, always something missing.

It felt good to vent my feelings, although Randall struggled with it because he couldn’t fix what was making me sad.  But there is no way to fix it, and that’s okay.  Being strong all the time is extremely difficult and no one is perfect.  It is inevitable that our bricks will crumble a bit here and there and we will regress.  Honestly, I am grateful that I miss these things so much because it means that I had a happy childhood.  It means that I paid enough attention while I was little to appreciate what I had.  It means that I learned to dream big so that I would have something to strive for when I got older.  The military lifestyle is nowhere close to the way I grew up.  But because I cannot change my circumstances, I can choose to accept them and create a new lifestyle, one that my kids will look back on one day and miss just as I do.  Every so often we fall a few steps behind in our journey towards strength, but eventually we catch up, all the while gaining a little bit more perseverance.  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” –Serenity Prayer